We have all been there… you and your partner are trying to reach and understand each other, but no matter what you say, it’s like you keep missing each other. Maybe an argument evolves, maybe you each retreat into your own corners and give each other the silent treatment, or maybe it feels like an endless cycle any time you two try to say anything to each other.
Our relationships with our partners can be some of the most important relationships of our lives, and as a result, when we are not getting along, it can activate systems in our body that perceive our survival as being threatened. We may have trouble seeing, have difficulty hearing, sweat more, feel our pulses speed up, have shallower breathing, etc. – with our bodies mistakenly believing that our partner is the enemy, or reacting to the impending argument or loss of our partner’s presence like it is tied to our own demise.
Creating new patterns of communication, and being able to safely express and hold space for diverging opinions, emotions, and ways that we see the world is HUGE, and is not an easy task. We come into our relationships each with our own set of life experiences, including expectations placed on us, beliefs about ourselves, wounds we have experienced, blind spots, and ways that we protect ourselves when things get hard or scary.
Here are some tips below on getting to interrupt the cycle that may be happening, with a caveat that a) emotional and physical safety are ALWAYS priority, and that these trump anything else, and b) sometimes it can be difficult to change cycles by ourselves or while we are in it, hence the benefit of a couple’s therapist or safe party to help facilitate this. With that said, see what resonates with you!
- When you… I feel… because __________________. What I need is ________________.
This is one of my favorites. It is easy to have a harsh start-up when we begin with ‘you’ messages and criticism, as well as pegging a behavior as happening all the time (“You always come home acting like a jerk!”).
It can be difficult for us to talk about the heart of the matter or emotional impact and/or distress if our partner’s defenses are raised. With the phrasing above, we can speak more vulnerably about our own experience, whilst working to name observable behaviors (almost describing what a video camera might see) to be able to share our experience and not raise the same defenses in our partners. This might look like:
“When you come home and slam the door, I feel nervous and unsettled, because I feel like the rest of the night will be overshadowed by whatever happened with you at work. I would love if you could share with me that you had a rough day without slamming the door, and for us to problem-solve on how I can help you with decompressing.”
WHEN YOU (name observable behavior using objective, neutral language) | I FEEL (emotions/feelings) |
| BECAUSE (meaning behind it – may be tied to present, past, future, and/or may involve additional feelings) | WHAT I NEED/WOULD LOVE IS…. (naming observable behavior with neutral language) |
2. Aligning on the Mission over the Methods
Particularly for parenting, we can get into cross-hairs over the way we do things, and have it feel very challenging when our views appear to be at odds, or we feel like our viewpoint is rejected/invalidated by our partner.
One frame that I really enjoy is being able to look at where we agree or if we have a united mission, before looking at the methods.
One example might include if a child is getting bullied at school, and the parents have different viewpoints as to handle it. One parent wants the child to handle it on their own and ‘toughen up,’ whereas another parent may want to involve the school board and personnel and halt/interrupt the behavior.
What does each parent want?
Where are they aligned?
Holding an attitude of curiosity, we may learn that the first parent wants the child to be able to advocate for themselves, and to develop resiliency and a sense of empowerment. The second parent may want to foster a sense of safety for the child and environment where the child is able to be who they are without overt disrespect, cruelty, or put-downs.
Both parents may want their child to feel safe, empowered, and have an internal locus of control – that is, believing that they can have some impact on the world around them or make/affect change, as opposed to things only happening to them, and that it doesn’t matter what they do, that they are powerless.
Does this tell the parents exactly what to do, or cast one parent in the light of being right?
No.
However, getting to unite over the same mission and remembering that they each have their child’s best interests at heart can change the dynamic, or help parents to remember and/or feel that they are on the same team again.
3. The story I’m telling myself is….
This is one of my favorites! This really emphasizes that any behavior or action may not be viewed universally the same, and helps to shift attention to what the story is inside our heads that we are telling ourselves about what happened. It may also relieve the only focus being on our partner having to CHANGE their actions, as we also have power to shift, re-narrate, or better inform the story.
An example might be when one partner does not hear regularly from another partner. Perhaps in the past, not hearing from partners was associated with being cheated on, let down, mistreated, or meant a partner was losing interest. In the current relationship when partners apart, the person may feel anxiety, worry, and/or panic when not hearing from their partner, and imagine scenarios from the past re-occurring again, and potentially react in anger or volatility as if these really WERE happening.
Sharing this could look like:
“The story I am telling myself in my head when you don’t text is that you don’t care about me. People doing things behind my back or not truly caring about me have happened so much when they weren’t texting me, that it is like this little voice in my head saying, “You’re going to lose him, it’s happening again, here we go….” And I get so scared and angry and it’s like I’ll do whatever it takes to make it stop or not happen again.”
It isn’t just on the partner who is less communicative, but also on the partner who has a lower distress tolerance for this due to it having triggers/ties to trauma in their relational history. The partner hearing this could provide reassurance and context for what IS happening when they don’t text, or the couple could come up with ways to help both partners find ways of communicating that support and work for them both.
If you need additional support outside of some of these techniques, check out works by Sue Johnson, John Gottman, or Harville Hendrix, in addition to getting support with a trained couple’s therapist should this be helpful to you and your partner!