Tough conversations with people in our lives, whether it be friends, family, co-workers, or partners are never easy. Worth it, yes, but easy, no. So, when the time comes that you feel like you have something to cover with someone, why is it a good idea to practice these conversation multiple times before you actually have them with that person? Of course, we can never fully replicate the situation (circumstances, feelings, etc) ahead of time, but people are often surprised at how helpful it can be to practice speaking something into existence and watching what comes to the surface. Saying the words out loud is different than thinking them since cognitive and verbal processing come from different parts of our brains. Whether it’s by yourself in the shower, with your friend on the phone, or with your therapist in session, there are many ways to practice these conversations.
Practicing ahead of time can help you in the following areas:
–Content: figuring out what content you want to cover within the conversation is a great first step. Ask yourself “what are the most important ideas I want to get across to the other person?” If we say every single thing we want to say, our message can get lost with waning attention spans and emotional overwhelm. By talking it through, you can figure out what points feel more or less significant to you within this specific conversation.
–Delivery: how you say something is just as important as what you say if you want to be heard and considered. You may have very valid points but certain deliveries make it less likely that someone will be able to take them in and consider what you’re saying. Sometimes saying things out loud helps us hear how they come across and gives us the opportunity to shift how we say them. Practicing in this way also really demonstrates how things like our tone of voice and body language contribute to a conversation, for better or for worse.
–Possible triggers: when we say things out loud, they often come with emotional triggers that we may not realize we have when we’re simply thinking about the conversations. Noticing how our tone of voice, body language, and biological markers change (e.g. muscle tightness, a cold chest, a flushed face, racing heart, shallow breathing, quick speech) can show us where we may feel overwhelmed within that conversation. If we know where we’re likely to feel triggered within this conversation we can be aware (surprise triggers can feel extra overwhelming) and practice regulating ourselves when those moments come.
–Distress tolerance: the uncomfortable feelings that can accompany hard conversations are often why people avoid them. If we’re not practiced in sitting with those uncomfortable feelings that are unfamiliar or feel like too much, we can avoid those conversations all together. By practicing these conversations, you become more able to sit in the uncomfortable feelings/triggers that could come up. The feelings will still be hard when you have the actual conversations, as no amount of practice can take those away. However, you may feel more familiar in them and your body and mind will remember that you felt those hard feelings before and handled them.
When I invite people to practice tough conversations in therapy, they often chuckle at the suggestion and doubt what can come of it. I get it, it can feel awkward! But people are usually surprised at how helpful this practice can be once we’ve done it. Speaking actual words rather than thinking them carries incredible power by breathing life into our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This is also a helpful tool if having the actual conversation with someone is not possible because maybe they’ve passed away or maybe there is not a safe situation in which you can speak with someone. Sometimes, having the conversation out loud with ourselves or with a trusted person is the closest we’ll get to actually having that conversation with the person. There is still healing power in that!
Sara S. Hagan