A way to manage sibling conflict!

Do your kids fight with each other? (Of course!) Do you feel confident in making both children feel heard so they don’t resent each other?

A common dynamic we see with siblings is fighting; one thing that often arises is one child feels as if their caregiver is choosing the other child’s perspective and “not being fair.”

I often hear, “Well, I was the oldest, so my mom yelled at me for fighting with my sibling.” or “My mom only listened to what my brother said happened, not what I said.” In its most extreme form, this can lead to sibling resentment and create a hostile sibling dynamic.

Something we can work on removing is the oldest siblings’ accountability for “knowing better” and creating mutual accountability within the family dynamic.

Trust Based Relational Intervention, TBRI, explains an alternative way to handle siblings in a conflict. 

The main goal of this intervention is to have your child 

1) stop telling on their sibling to promote healthy relationships, 

2) teach your child accountability and 

3) manage conflict healthily.  

Now, how do we get there?

1. The caregiver says, “I want to know what you did” or “What did you do?”
2. Repeat that phrase as often as it takes until the child tells you what they did, not what their sibling did.
3. After the siblings have both shared what they did, the caregiver responds, “Thank you for telling me what you did; now, how can we do this better? Can we try again?”
4. Have your children “redo” the situation.
5. Move on.

There is no “punishment” or “consequence” in this model – we prompt children to redo situations more healthily.

Additional options and ideas: 

• You may need to remove the children from the space to a neutral or different setting. 
• Try prompting everyone to take a deep breath before the conversation. 
• You may separate children and go from one sibling to the next, then bring the sibling unit together for a redo. This, ideally, is immediately after a fight, argument, or incident. 
• Prompt with choices if necessary. “You can ____, or you can _____”. 

Siblings have conflict, and this cannot be avoided. But how your children learn, grow, and respond to these experiences matters! Stay connected to both children when using this intervention. Try speaking calmly and maintaining eye contact.

Talk with someone today if you need help managing sibling conflict or additional ideas, whether that’s family therapy, parenting support, or more.