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You are here: Home / Children / Be a Coach, Not a Referee

Be a Coach, Not a Referee

October 17, 2022 by Megan Henderson

I’ve sat through many trainings throughout my life, some of them useful, some of them not. While in trainings I found to be beneficial, sometimes the information sticks and I end of using it in the work I do without even thinking about it, while sometimes the information sticks because it turned on a light bulb and sparked a literal “Ah-Ha!” moment.

While sitting in a training over 10 years ago, the trainer said the words, “Be a coach, not a referee” and I have never forgotten them. I was working at a residential children’s home at the time, and the trainer was describing interactions between staff and children. It was extremely useful in the position I had at the time, and I’ve never had a position working with children since where I haven’t always kept this advice in mind.

Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, family member, or have any type of job working with children, think about your interactions with those children. Are you a coach, or a referee? Let’s explore the differences.

What role does the referee play? Their entire job is to tell players what they are doing wrong, and hand out consequences. They show no mercy, and no emotion. They don’t care why you did what you did. They’re going to make sure you (and/or your team) follow through with the consequence. Many times they blow a whistle in your face to make sure you, and everyone else around knows that you’ve done something wrong.

What role does the coach play? The coach demonstrates how the game is played, shows you the best way to do it, and gives advice on how to improve. A coach is there to listen, and doesn’t shame their players. Many coaches were players themselves, so they can empathize and speak from a place of experience. A coach stands up for their team!

Ask yourself again, are you a coach or a referee? How could you be a little more like a coach today?

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Filed Under: Children, communication, Family, mental health, Parenting, teens, Toddlers, tweens

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Megan Henderson
LPCC [she/her]

PCIT
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