We, as human beings, often like to land in the ‘black or white’ zone of life. Situations that fall clearly into one category or another can be comforting to us; these are somewhat known quantities and are predictable. When things are familiar and predictable, even if this involves something hard for us, we know more of what to do and how to think about it. Grief is no exception. When someone mentions the word ‘grief,’ your mind likely goes to the of the death of a loved one. This, of course, is a type of grief and is often very profound. Most of us can relate to this and understand how hard this can be. When we or people around us lose a loved one, we know what name to give this experience. We’re not surprised when our life feels different and we struggle following a death.
But what about other types of grief? What about the ‘gray zones’ of life, and more specifically grief? I’m referring to things that we might not consider to be types of grief and therefore dismiss as ‘not a big deal’ and wonder why we’re having such a hard time with them. Do we think of other other types of lose as forms of grief and do we give ourselves and others the same grace while they’re processing these loses? I invite you to expand your notion of grief to include changes in your life that may not involve death. These fall under the category of ‘non-death grief.’ But what does this mean? Every transition and change are a type of death in a sense. There can be ‘death’ of many parts of our lives and ourselves, meaning that what once was is no longer. I invite you to consider the following scenarios and see if you can see the “shades of gray”or different types of grief involved in them.
What about a new job? A person may have been looking for a new job and may be very excited about the change. But do those things mean that no one would grieve the relationships and fulfillment that came with the job they’re leaving? Or maybe you loved your job but got fired in a down-sizing. You may grieve the loss of that job and that identify as well as the financial loss. Or what if you you’re let go from a job that you really don’t like? One could grieve this loss even though they were unhappy in that job simply because now they don’t have something familiar and predictable to show up to everyday, even if the unhappiness was the predictable part.
What about someone who has always wanted to become a parent but struggles to conceive? Fertility issues may prevent this dream from happening in the timeline or way one had imagined. Or it may eventually lead to surrogacy or adoption. Is it not a form of grief to for someone to mourn the loss of the picture they have in their head of how they would become a parent and how their family is created?
On the flip side, what if you’ve always wanted to be a parent and you’ve been fortunate to have children easily? Could you grieve parts of your ‘pre-kid’ identify and life even though you wanted to become a parent? Getting what you’ve always wanted and being very thankful for that doesn’t mean that you can’t grieve the freedom you used to have. You may miss the person you used to be before diapers and soccer practice took over. You may miss the time you no longer have for friends and hobbies…you may grieve the loss of things that make you “you.”
What if your best friend moves to another state? They are very much alive and well, and you can visit each other often. Yet, your relationship as you know it may shift at least a little bit. You’d be leaving behind the old way of doing things and starting a new way of maintaining that relationship. Trading daily hugs for daily FaceTimes may feel different and take time to get used to.
What if you’ve always wanted a close relationship with your parent but you’re coming to terms with he/she not being open to or capable of that? You’re now grieving the idea and picture in your head of what a closer relationship with that parent would look like, knowing that it will never be the way you’ve hoped it would be. Is grieving ‘what could have been’ less profound than grieving ‘what was’ when someone passes?
Divorce is another one that many can relate to. It changes so much about our relationships, perspective, and daily lives that it would be impossible for there not to be any grief attached to that years-long process of letting go and rebuilding. And how about aging? Aging can bring many layers of grief as people sort through what getting older means to them and how they want to make sense of their future. Or let’s look at an athlete who has a career-ending injury? They are young, able to recover, and can get a job in sportscasting making a very decent living talking about the sport they love. But what about the huge change in identity the athlete might experience in this situation? The thing they have built their life around doing, their daily routines, their confidence boosters, and their peers have shifted personally and in the public eye. There is definitely an adjustment period in this change-in-identity, and for some would hold a lot of grief.
What about grieving a move to a new house, even if it’s just down the street? Many things about your life are the same, but that favorite window you used to sit by and drink your tea in is in longer yours. Or your neighbors and community may be left behind in this move. Sure, you’ll get to know your new neighbors, but does that mean that there isn’t grief in getting adjusted to a new house and new neighbors, even if it is a move you’re really excited about?
I get it if you’re thinking “ok, enough with the specific examples!” as they may seem over-specific and nuanced. But these are things that bring people to therapy every day and surprise people when grief is brought up in processing these experiences. These many varied examples demonstrate just how large the ‘gray area’ of grief is. They show that grief can and does look different to many people and that it may even be hidden in periods of great joy and excitement (or at least not obvious sadness). Grief can show up every day and in every way, whether we expect it or not. It can be big or little, short-term or long-term, and obvious or not.
So why is it so important to understand just how prevalent all forms of grief can be in our lives? It explains why we may be having a hard time, and it guides us in the direction of what to process and which direction to go in while moving forward. Often times it is reassuring for someone to label what they’re going through as ‘grief’ because it explains why they’re struggling. Pinpointing a source and knowing that there is processing that can be done to give you closure is a more comforting thought than thinking you’re sad for no reason. It can give people direction, permission to feel, and hope that they will get to a better place when they can attribute a struggle to grief.
I’ve found this recognition to be a very important part of my work with clients. A change occurs in their lives, and they grieve during this transition, but they don’t label it as grief. Some people are surprised by grief because it is hidden in layers of joy. Some judge themselves for feeling grief over situations they deem trivial, when in reality grief is significant no matter the trigger. Others wonder what the heck is going on when they’re in a ‘funk’ when everything is seemingly good in their lives only to discover that some unprocessed grief is hanging around needing to be acknowledged and worked through.
Grief humanizes us and shows us that we have attachments in all forms in all parts of our lives. So, if you’re experiencing a transition in your life and seem to be struggling, I invite you to consider whether grief is playing a part in this. Let grief be your guide to honoring ‘what was’ while you build a path forward!