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You are here: Home / Uncategorized / Go to the darkness: How to support someone with empathy

Go to the darkness: How to support someone with empathy

June 24, 2024 by Meredith Edelen

Feeling unsupported by a partner or friend is a common experience. Often, people struggle to find the right words or actions when a loved one is going through a difficult time.

Brené Brown created an insightful video that illustrates the essence of empathy and how to genuinely support others, emphasizing the difference between empathy and sympathy.

According to Google, empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

Key takeaways from Brené’s video include:

  • Sympathy and empathy are fundamentally different.
  • Empathy fosters connection, while sympathy creates disconnection.
  • The four qualities of empathy are:
  • Perspective-taking: seeing the experience from another person’s viewpoint
  • Staying out of judgment
  • Recognizing emotions in others
  • Communicating those emotions

Feeling with people

Imagine a dark hole or pit where your loved one feels scared, alone, and overwhelmed. A common mistake people make is trying to fix the situation by offering solutions, like putting down a ladder and telling their loved one to climb out. However, this approach often fails because the person:

  1. Can’t climb the ladder
  2. Isn’t ready or willing to climb the ladder yet
  3. Doesn’t believe they should or can climb the ladder
  4. Can’t see the ladder, even with guidance

Your loved one doesn’t need you to fix them or the situation. They need you to join them in their experience. Empathy involves feeling with another person rather than trying to fix them. To connect with your loved one, you must tap into your own experiences and emotions that resonate with what they are going through.

Empathy doesn’t require experiencing the same event, but it does mean being present with another person’s feelings. For instance, if your loved one has lost a parent, you might not fully comprehend their specific experience, but you can relate to feelings of loss and grief. By connecting to that part of yourself, you can offer genuine support.

Empathy is like climbing down into the pit and saying, “I know what it’s like down here, and you are not alone.” When someone is in that dark place, saying the right thing is less important than making them feel less isolated.

Attempting to fix things can often make someone feel worse, as they may not be ready or need to hear the positive side yet.

Here are some phrases that are appropriate to say when your loved one is in the dark pit: 

  • “I don’t know what to say right now, I am just so glad you told me” 

Rarely does a specific response make things better. What truly helps is establishing a connection.

If you are struggling with going to that pit for someone else, consider talking to a therapist about it.

You are not alone. Want to discuss more? Connect with us today.

Watch Brené Brown’s video to see the expert explain this concept herself!

​​

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Meredith Edelen
LCSW, LMFT [she/her]

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