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You are here: Home / Uncategorized / Great Expectations

Great Expectations

September 23, 2024 by Sara Hagan

Expectations accompany us into every part of our lives regardless of whether we recognize their presence. Sometimes, we intentionally create these expectations, whereas other times they’re unintentionally present due to the narratives that our minds create based on many factors. Cultural norms, family upbringing, personality, and previous experiences all come together to form narratives of what things “should” look like or what our ideal scenarios are. This can be a very good thing when expectations serve as a guide to what we want to be or do.

In many cases, expectations are helpful in giving us goals and a framework to work out of. Knowing who and what we want to be and having goals to work towards provide motivation and guidance that can be very beneficial to people. Without these, we can feel like we’re wandering aimlessly. That being said, expectations can backfire if we allow them to limit our process and/or outcomes. Having a goal-oriented yet open-minded approach is often a great middle ground. So, if we’re trying to find the sweet spot between using expectations to motivate and guide us but not to limit us, what’s helpful to keep in mind?

Think independently

It can be helpful to remind ourselves that our expectations may or may not be shared by the person next to us. Comparing our expectations to others’ expectations isn’t always helpful since we are different people with different goals and paths to those goals. Another person’s expectations can look a little or a lot different than yours, but don’t let that deter you from creating your own set of expectations. On the flip side, applying our own expectations and reasoning to other people’s ideas is not only unfair to them but also unproductive for your own path. Focus your energy on your own standards and goals and leave the person next to you to do the same for themselves and their lives.

Look for Expectations in Less Obvious Places

In order to find a balanced perspective for our expectations, we have to be able to identify where they exist in the first place. Some expectations are more obvious than others, such as achieving a goal at work within a certain time frame or expecting your child to have the same passion and career-choice as you once they’re adults. These things paint clear pictures in our heads about what we want to happen and when they might happen, so being disappointed when these change course may not be a surprise. But what about things less obvious, such as how your marriage functions? Or how close you are with your adult siblings? Or how it feels to be a parent? Or how we feel when a loved-one passes? Or how we react to a heavy medical diagnosis?

These scenarios are more nuanced and contain all kinds of expectations and narratives that we’ve written in our heads about what we expect things to look like or how we expect them to feel. Being a parent may not feel the way you thought it would, at least in certain points in time. Your romantic relationship may look very different from the picture you have in your mind based on what you saw growing up and in the media. You may not be close with family members like you always thought you’d be. Identifying hidden expectations, recalibrating, and finding perspective about how something actually is can be a freeing way to buck the limitations of what we expect.  We can’t change the narrative of something we aren’t aware of, so be on the lookout for hidden expectations.

Be Flexible with the Process  

Allow for some flexibility within the framework of our expectations. Rigid expectations of what the path will look like leaves little room for deviation, which means we can miss out on opportunities that may come up that weren’t a part of the original picture simply because they don’t match that limited view. If our expectations paint such narrow pictures that they don’t allow for new turns in the path, then we could miss out on many unexpected yet fruitful changes. When our expectations are too specific we limit ourselves. Rather, in thinking ahead, we can welcome changes of plan and expect to be redirected.

Be Open-Minded about the Outcome

Think flexibly with what you consider to be a ‘successful outcome.’ Outcomes may differ from the original goal, but that doesn’t necessarily make them any less successful. The mindset of moving from what is called ‘black-and-white thinking’ to thinking in the ‘gray areas’ is often a helpful thing to keep in mind. Different outcomes might actually be more successful than what you expected to happen. Or, an outcome might be less successful in some ways but more successful in others. Or the outcome might just be so different from the picture in your head that comparing whether things turned out better or worse isn’t a good use of energy. Often times successful outcomes do exist but we don’t see them because we’re too focused on whether something perfectly matches the original goal.

That marriage that looks different than you thought it would, maybe it’s actually a healthier version than what you expected. Those family members you always hoped you’d be close to but aren’t, well maybe you have a great group of friends instead that act as family. Maybe not getting a job you expected to get actually pushes you towards a career you like even more. Different does not automatically mean inferior!

Work with Whatever Outcome Occurs

Whether or not expectations and outcomes end up being similar to each other, we need to be accepting of them. Sure, you may need to take time to adjust or even grieve the the outcome that differed from what you expected.  Taking the time to come to terms with your feelings about the situation is so important. It’s equally important not to get stuck in this place long-term. Acceptance of “what is” is important in figuring out what moving forward looks like.

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Sara Hagan
MFT Associate* [she/her]

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