The holidays used to feel full of people, noise, laughter, tradition. After losing someone you love, the season can shift. It can feel quieter, heavier, a little out of focus. Suddenly, there’s an empty space that no amount of lights or gatherings can fill.
For those of us grieving, the holidays aren’t always merry or bright. They can feel like pressure to perform joy when your heart is somewhere else. And that’s okay. Grief doesn’t take time off for the holidays.
But over time, I’ve learned it’s possible to let grief and celebration exist side by side. I’ve laughed at memories and cried minutes later. I’ve skipped gatherings I couldn’t handle, and found comfort in small, quiet moments that felt real. Grief doesn’t ask for perfection, only permission to feel.
What’s Been Helpful
- Making space for them – Lighting a candle, setting out a photo, or leaving a seat open at the table. Small gestures that say, you’re still part of this day.
- Telling stories – Sharing memories, even if they bring tears. It keeps their presence alive and brings warmth into the room.
- Doing one thing differently – Changing up a tradition or creating a new one can help ease the sharpness of what’s missing.
- Letting go of expectations – It’s okay to not do it all. Say no when you need to. Grief is tiring. Resting is allowed.
- Reaching out – A text to someone who understands. A grief support group. Just saying, “This is hard this year,” can help lift some of the weight.
If you’re missing someone this season, you’re not alone. There’s no right way to do this. There’s only your way. And it’s enough.
The holidays may never feel the same, but they can still hold meaning. Even when grief is present, so is love. And sometimes, that love shows up in the most unexpected places such as in a song, a smell, a shared laugh, or the quiet comfort of remembering.
Title: Holding Space for Grief During the Holidays: A Therapist’s Reflection and Advice
The holiday season, often portrayed as a time of joy and celebration, can bring an entirely different emotional landscape for those grieving the loss of a loved one. As a therapist, I have sat with many clients in the quiet ache of December, navigating traditions that now feel hollow, songs that evoke tears instead of joy, and the deep sense of isolation that can accompany grief amidst celebration.
In this article, I want to share some reflections from my practice, both professional and personal, on what is truly helpful, and what is not, when coping with grief and loss during the holiday season.
What Is Helpful
1. Permission to Feel Whatever Arises
One of the most healing gifts we can give ourselves is permission. Permission to cry. To not celebrate. To laugh unexpectedly. To say “no” to gatherings, or to leave early. Grief does not follow a tidy script, and the holidays do not erase its presence. Allow your emotions to come and go without judgment. Feeling joy doesn’t betray your loss; feeling sadness doesn’t mean you’re not healing.
2. Creating New Rituals
Many find comfort in integrating new traditions that honor their loved one. Lighting a candle in their memory, making their favorite dish, or setting up a small memorial can offer a sense of continued connection. You might write a letter to your loved one, hang an ornament in their name, or donate to a cause they cared about. Grief needs expression, and rituals can serve as a container for that expression.
3. Intentional Planning
Grief can feel unpredictable, but we can reclaim a sense of agency by planning ahead. Decide which events you’ll attend, which you’ll skip, and who you want to be with. Have an “exit plan” for events in case you need to leave early. Communicate your needs with others, and don’t be afraid to change your mind.
4. Connecting with Others Who Understand
Isolation tends to amplify grief. Finding a grief support group, whether in person or online, can be profoundly validating. Sometimes just hearing “me too” from someone who gets it can bring immense relief. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way.
5. Compassionate Self-Care
This doesn’t mean bubble baths and spa days (though those are nice too). It means tuning into your body and mind and asking, “What do I need right now?” Maybe it’s rest. Or movement. Or silence. Or comfort food. Self-care in grief is about survival, not indulgence.
What Is Not Helpful
1. Forcing Cheerfulness
Toxic positivity, the pressure to “look on the bright side” or “focus on the good times”, can invalidate real pain. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling festive. Grief doesn’t take a holiday, and neither should we expect it to.
2. Avoiding Grief Altogether
Some attempt to “numb out” with busyness, alcohol, or overcommitting to avoid feeling the loss. While this might offer short-term relief, unprocessed grief tends to resurface in other ways, physically, emotionally, or relationally. It’s okay to take breaks from grieving, but complete avoidance can backfire.
3. Comparing Your Grief
Grief is not a competition. Your loss is valid, even if others have experienced something “worse” or “longer ago.” Avoid measuring your healing against others’ timelines. Grief is as unique as your fingerprint.
4. Letting Others Dictate Your Grieving Process
Well-meaning friends or family may have ideas about what you should do, “come to dinner,” “don’t be alone,” “you need to get out.” Take what resonates, and leave the rest. You get to be the expert on your grief.
Final Thoughts
Grieving during the holidays is not about “getting over” your loss, but about learning to carry it differently in a season that can feel both joyful and deeply painful. There is no perfect way to do this.
My advice, both as a therapist and a fellow human being: Be gentle with yourself. Find small ways to honor your loved one and your own heart. Ask for help when you need it. Say no when you must. And above all, trust that grief, like the seasons, will shift with time, with support, and with compassion.
You are not alone.
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