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You are here: Home / Relationships / Communication / I love you, but…

I love you, but…

March 11, 2024 by Meredith Edelen

Have you ever heard the popular saying, “’But’ negates whatever precedes it”? 

You handled that well but…

On the whole, your performance was good… but…

That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing … but…

You did a fantastic job with this… but…

I like your new hairstyle… but…

Research shows that our brains have a natural inclination to pay more attention to negative experiences, known as our negativity bias. This is when the brain’s electrical activity increases when focusing on negative stimuli compared to positive ones. Therefore, if we aim to steer clear of negativity in our communication or prevent others from interpreting our words in a negative light, it may be beneficial to adjust our language accordingly. While breaking old habits can be challenging, increasing our awareness of this phenomenon can serve as a valuable starting point for personal growth and effective communication.

Introducing dialectics! 

Dialectical = two opposite ideas can be true at the same time and, when considered together, can create a new truth and a new way of viewing the situation. Dialectical behavior therapy uses the word AND instead of BUT. 

You handled that well, and next time we can add more …

On the whole, your performance was good, and I would like to see …

That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, and I wonder what it would look like to …

You did a fantastic job with this, and we can also edit this paragraph here…

I like your new hairstyle, and it’s so different! 

Dialectics connect to the concept that two things may not be the same but can be present together. For example, let’s take graduation day. “I am happy, AND I am sad.” Dialectics offers opportunities for growth and can aid in a deeper understanding of an individual experience. It doesn’t have to be just one thing.

Let’s think of a common problem… “I love you but”

How do you hear this differently, “I love you, but your chewing is bothering me” vs “I love you, and your chewing is bothering me.” Odds are your partner will respond much better to the use of “and” so that their brain doesn’t cling to the negative when you didn’t mean it that way.

Try replacing “and” with “but” in your everyday language and see what possibilities grow! 

This may feel challenging to introduce into your life. Consider talking to someone to learn more!

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Filed Under: Communication, communication, Couples, language, Self Improvement Tagged With: and, brain, brain science, but, dbt, dialectical behavior therapy, language

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Meredith Edelen
LCSW, LMFT [she/her]

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