Hearts, candlelit dinners, flowers, chocolates and teddy bears serve as classic symbols of love. February is a month that focuses on interpersonal love with a romantic partner or with your besties; from Valentine’s Day and Galentine’s celebrations, love is on the minds of most. One form of love that shouldn’t be overlooked is self-love, or simply loving yourself.
Self-love can help lower stress (due to us taking better care of our basic needs) and protect us from negative thoughts, self-sabotage or pushing ourselves too far. Self-love also encourages us to take healthy risks and helps us to view challenges as setbacks that are temporary, instead of as failures that cannot be overcome. Because the ultimate goal of self-love is that we trust in our own abilities and know that even if we don’t achieve something we are still worthy of love.
A couple of weeks ago, I was presenting to a group of young adults about self-love and someone asked how we can differentiate between self-love and being self-centered or conceited. I hear this hang up in therapy often when the topic of self-love comes up. Self-love involves having an appreciation, affinity and positive regard for yourself and understanding that you have innate value and worth as an individual, regardless of what you or anyone else around you accomplishes. Whereas being self-centered or conceited is often comparative and takes the belief that you are “better than” or more worthy than others. So while those who are self-centered likely do love themselves very much, practicing self-love is not the same and is something we all could use a little more of.
Now that we know what self-love is (and what it’s not) and why it’s important, how do we practice it? There are several skills to to hone in on to sharpen your self-love toolkit.
Self-care
Self-care is exactly what it sounds like, taking care of your needs. There are several domains to self-care, all important in their own way. Spend some time figuring out ways to take care of your emotional, physical, social, spiritual and professional self. Doing this during a period of time when you’re already feeling good gets the legwork done and prepares you to actually practice self-care when you need it most.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself with the kindness and empathy you would offer to others. To put it simply, speak to yourself how you would talk to a friend. You always hear people reference the Golden Rule (“Treat others how you want to be treated”), but when it’s time to actually treat ourselves the way we “want to be treated”, so often we meet ourselves with criticism instead of the compassion and kindness we actually desire and really deserve. When you find yourself being critical of a decision you made or something you said, take a moment to pause and think “would I say this to a friend if this happened to them?” If the answer is no, ctrl+alt+delete and change the direction of the internal conversation to something kinder and more compassionate.
Words of affirmation
Words of affirmation are words that communicate our love, respect and admiration for an individual. We can use those words to speak of others in our lives, or ourselves. When we choose to direct those words of affirmation inward, it is a reminder of the good we innately hold simply by existing in this world, we are building that positive internal belief in our worth. So write them on a sticky note and put it on the dashboard of your car. Get a dry erase marker and write them on your bathroom mirror. Put them in a note on your phone. It doesn’t matter how or when you use them, just that you do.
Maintaining healthy boundaries
The term “boundaries” has become more and more common over recent years. Boundaries serve as a protective barrier, preserving your emotional/physical wellbeing and conserving your energy. When we identify things in our life that drain our energy (whether it be friends, family members, a toxic work environment or romantic partner) and take active steps to create that protective barrier (i.e. limiting contact with a person, leaving a relationship/job), we are practicing an act of self-love. Be sure to communicate clearly and respectfully with others what your boundaries are and stay consistent with enforcing them.
Be intentional about practicing these skills on a daily basis to help increase your sense of self-love. So, take time during this month of love to love yourself just a little extra. <3
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