As humans in our busy and ever-changing world, we are constantly experiencing the ups and downs of life. Recently, I have seen many people in my office dealing with life’s disappointments. We can and do experience disappointment to varying degrees. From being heartbroken that a marriage that once worked is no longer functioning, to not getting that job we really wanted, to having a cherished friendship drift away over time, people have been expressing a feeling of let-down from their hopes and expectations in many areas of life. Sometimes the word “disappointment” hardly seems to do our feelings justice because we’re grieving something that we once loved or a picture we had in our head of how things ‘could have been.’ So what do we do when we feel the disappointment that life inevitably serves us?
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Take time to honor your feelings of disappointment and anything else you feel. “Sit” in those feelings rather than avoiding them. We can do this by talking to safe people in our lives, journaling or creating art, exercising, or even crying. Basically, doing anything that brings up the emotion for us and helps us release it in a healthy way releases it from being stuck and manifesting in our minds and bodies. If we catch ourselves avoiding difficult feelings, we can bring ourselves back to those feelings and simply ‘be’ with them, as hard as that can feel at times. This signals to our mind and body that, although the feelings are tough, we trust ourselves to cope with hard things and we know that they are temporary.
We can and will feel several emotions at once about any given situation, and we need to make room for all of them. I hear many people say “I’m not sure how I ultimately feel about it.”I think what they mean is “I can’t pinpoint a dominant emotion among all that I’m feeling.” Who says we have to pick one?! We know that people do not feel just one emotion at a time, so it makes sense that we can’t decide one way that we ultimately feel. In addition to feeling disappointment, we may also feel confusion, guilt, sadness, or even ‘opposite’ emotions such as relief and excitement. We may feel really disappointed that a third date didn’t happen when we felt a strong connection with someone, but at the same time still have hope and excitement for falling in love in the future. I encourage people to make space for all of those to exist at once.
Don’t try to spin things into a situation that no longer disappoints us. That’s really not possible to completely do, at least on a genuine level, right? If we try to talk ourselves out of our feelings, we can fall prey to “toxic positivity” in which we act like this shouldn’t bother us because everything is ‘fine and dandy.’ Although the intention is to provide ourselves with perspective and to look at possibilities that we hadn’t considered before, not acknowledging those emotions that need to be validated and processed will surely cause us trouble later. Disappointment is hard and it’s beneficial to acknowledge that; otherwise those feelings will eventually demand to be heard.
Although ‘toxic positivity’ doesn’t serve our complex human nature very well, finding and maintaining perspective does. It can be very helpful to remember that the way we feel about a situation right after it happens is not necessarily how we will always view that situation. Of course, there are sad and hard things that we will always wish had turned out a different way. Yet, there are also things that people describe looking back on and realizing what other great situation(s) came out of a disappointing one. And sometimes what came of it is just as good or even better than what we missed out on at the time.
Once we have honored our feelings and found perspective, it can be helpful to make a plan moving forward. Find one thing that is in your control that you can do to start working towards your next goal. It’s best to start small and manageable rather than grand and intimidating. For example, if your disappointment stems from not getting a promotion you very much wanted at work, start by scheduling a meeting with a boss or mentor who could give you feedback on how you could market yourself better or add to your resume. By being proactive and taking one small but meaningful step in the direction in which we want to go, we create momentum and progress, which can be helpful in getting us out of a ‘funk.’
Let us also keep in mind that processing a disappointment or tough time in our lives is NOT a linear process. No matter how intentional we are with processing emotions and taking steps to move forward, we will still have days where we feel discouraged or struggle to see progress. Tough days/weeks/months or steps that feel like you’ve moved backwards can feel discouraging, but they do not mean that we are not making progress overall. Be patient with yourself on tough days, know that they are a part of the process, and remember that they are often not representative of the big picture.
As with everything in life, balance is important during this time. Balancing the time to feel our feelings but not getting stuck in that space is important. Finding things to do that make us happy and are healthy distractions are great if they are balanced with quiet time with ourselves to process our thoughts and feelings here and there. Considering our hopes and ideas for the future while also appreciating the good things we have in our lives in the present moment balances the present and future. Doing too much of one thing, no matter how healthy or beneficial that thing is, isn’t as effective as striking a good overall balance that works for you.
You got this!