Contributed by: Elisha Carter, LCSW
As a therapist, my relationship with a client often begins with identifying what brings them to my office and how I can best support them towards their goal(s) regarding this concern. Sounds simple, right? However, after delving into this process, the complexity of it begins to unfold. As humans, we learn lessons about ourselves, others, and the world through our experiences. For example, if a baby cries and receives the response of being held, fed, and/or their diaper changed, they learn lessons such as their needs will be taken care of, the world is safe, and they are lovable. On the other hand, if a baby cries and nothing is done to help it, or the response is negative, dismissive, or harmful, that baby may learn no one will take care of them, they are unlovable, and the world is dangerous. By the time a client comes to my office, they have had multiple experiences in life which have shaped their core beliefs about themselves, others and the world. These beliefs, in turn, impact the way the client will interpret the meaning of their experiences, their emotional response, and what actions they take, whether they are aware of these connections or not.
At this point, you may be asking, “What does this have to do with communication?” If we see communication as an exchange of values, thoughts, ideas, emotional experiences, etc. with others, it is important to understand that the people communicating are starting from different perspectives given the very nature of how we develop as people. Even groups who share similarities in upbringing and values are not a monolith. Navigating the process of communication in a manner that allows a safe space for differing perspectives can be a challenge, but not impossible. The following are some tips for this process that I have found beneficial.
- Avoid rigid beliefs about what “should” be.
When considering that our beliefs are formed from experience, we can start to make sense of these experiences with generalizations, or rules, of what should be. These can be rules for both ourselves and for others. However, when we are communicating with people who have had other experiences, or hold different beliefs, these rules can leave little room for anything, or anyone, that deviates from it depending on the strength of our belief. This is not to say that we avoid having opinions or beliefs about things, in general. It is recognizing that we can say, “I believe….” or “I prefer…” and still recognize that someone with a different experience may have a different belief or perspective. For example, if a person with the belief that everyone should go to college is talking to someone who believes college is not important, the conversation could become a debate about which one is correct and why or it could be a chance for each person to learn more about what led each other to that perspective.
- Be mindful of non-verbal communication
Who has heard the phrase, “it’s not what you said, but how you said it”? While there is debate about the exact percentages, research has shown that communication is significantly more reliant on non-verbal communication, i.e., tone of voice, facial expression, posture, space between and eye contact, than verbal communication. A loud tone, clenched fists, intense eye contact, and/or proximity to another person while communicating can be interpreted as aggressive even if the words being spoken are encouraging or loving. Matching our nonverbal cues with the words spoken help to convey the message more clearly.
- Focus on listening
Effective communication is not just about expressing yourself; it is also about listening. Listening involves hearing what the other person is saying and attempting to understand. When we become distracted, either by focusing on what we will say next or just a tendency to zone out, it can be helpful to ask clarifying questions or reflect what you hear the other person saying. There is a communication technique called reflection, which is restating the message you received from the other person in your own words. This practice can help you to focus, as well as convey to the other person that it is important to you that you understand. Commonly, reflections can start with “I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like you feel…” For example, if I said, “I was really looking forward to going to the movies, but I had to cancel when my daughter came home from school with a fever; I was so relieved when she started to feel better.” A reflection could be, “It sounds like you were disappointed to miss the movie but really concerned about your daughter.”
- Ask questions to further understanding
Sometimes we may use a reflection based on our interpretation of what the other person is saying, and the other person lets us know it is wrong. That’s okay! It just gives us the opportunity to ask more questions to further our understanding. It also gives the speaker opportunity to relay additional information that can offer greater insight into their experience.
Communication is a complex process and can differ based on the relationship you have with the person(s) you are communicating with. This has been a brief overview of communication techniques and approaches to improve communication skills. If you feel, this is an area you would like to learn more about, I encourage you to do so. Whether this is through a course in communication, therapy, or self-study, effective and healthy communication is core component of healthy relationships and can positively impact our overall wellbeing.
Elisha Carter is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has been practicing clinically for almost 10 years and within the field of social work for 13.5 years. Throughout her career, Elisha has worked in community mental health, residential and foster care settings both in direct care and administrative roles. Whatever the role, Elisha has a passion for ensuring those she works with feel supported to progress towards their goals.
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