As a couple’s and family therapist who works with individuals, adults, and couples on their relationships with themselves and others, love is a word that comes up a lot. I have a lot of training and experience with supporting clients in re-discovering love for themselves and others, and love is still a tricky concept to define! Case in point: philosophers, poets, artists, songwriters and singers, etc. have spent centuries trying to define love, including waxing on about what love is and is not. That being said, per Merriam-Webster, the ‘essential’ meaning of love may include:
1) a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
2) attraction that includes sexual desire, or the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship
3) a person you love in a romantic way
Part of this post comes from a place of wanting to challenge my own conditioning and history of romanticizing love, particularly in ways that are not healthy. As a Millenial and 90’s child, while female empowerment and self-determination were openly talked about and huge in my life, there were also very real currents tied to a Princess-Pipeline dream of being rescued by a prince (I’m looking at you, Disney!) that gave way to the messaging of: life starts when you find your one and only.
For therapists, challenging ourselves and our biases can help to better support clients, so that we may be thoughtful, intentional, and own whatever our value systems are. Knowing this for ourselves helps us to not project our values directly onto a client (and secretly or silently expect them to join in on our very own ‘values train’). In other cases, where appropriate, we may also be transparent with our clients and co-create exploration, self-discovery, and meaning from speaking about and naming our own values in order to prompt reflection upon a clients’ own values in turn.
I will be unpacking, dismantling, and challenging narratives about love, in order to better note complexities, context, and richness that sometimes can get lost in oversimplification or sweeping grand statements. Particularly in a culture where so much is available via social media platforms that may resonate with and make sense for us, it can be important to remember that some things may not capture the full picture or complexity of reality. The being said, looking back on our experiences, learning, and growth may expand whatever values or belief systems we previously held close to us, or even took once took in as part of our identity. Happy challenging below!
Sweeping Statements of Love I Wish I Could Take Back, Challenge, or Expand On
1. When Valentine’s Day begins to feel like any other day – not because Valentine’s Day is ordinary, but because being with him is still extraordinary.
Source: Me, said one time when I was in love in the past + memorialized for a few years after.
Issue: Love goes through various stages, that range from intense and passionate to more stable, committed, and intimate. While there are a variety of models, one model, used by couple’s researcher John Gottman, uses 3 stages that include 1) Falling in Love – Limerence; 2) Building Trust; and 3) Building Commitment and Loyalty. Infatuation can last anywhere from 18 months – 3 years, and some folks also heavily tie this to the ‘honeymoon phase’ or ‘limerence’ stage of this cycle.
It is GREAT and lovely for couples who continue to feel and express sentiments of this statement throughout their relationship – i.e. feeling the bond of being with another person as so special and/or incredible, that every day feels wonderful, like an adventure, and so on.
However, particularly given that I probably wrote and made this statement in what was definitely a ‘limerence’ stage, it seems like an unfair and unsustainable benchmark to have to have it ALL THE TIME, and is not attuned to the challenges, hardships, growth, and commitment that relationships take and require. Not every day is extraordinary. You can have an amazing relationship where you invest greatly, and still have other difficult, traumatic, and tragic things that occur in life that have an impact on you and your relationship with your partner(s).
There is deeper growth, room to fall in love with each other again and again as you each evolve, and comfort, safety, and more to be had from going through the stages of love. Setting your sights only on the highs of the honeymoon stage may give a disservice to the relationship you either have or want to someday create.
2) You know you have found love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
Source: Dr. Seuss. I believe that I referenced this in a Maid of Honor speech for a deeply loved and cherished best friend of mine.
Issue: Well, this has issues, but first let me say I still find this quote lovely. Similar to reasons for the one above, however, it places unrealistic expectations that everything will be fine/grand/hunky-dory once you find ‘the one.’ In reality, we can have trouble sleeping for anything from mental health issues, insomnia, a fight with our partner, issues with children, stress, hunger, difficulty with survival/being unable to meet basic needs, etc.
On the other side of the coin, you can love and appreciate your partner in SO many ways, but may not be able to conceivably say due to life circumstances that ‘reality is finally better than your dreams.’ If you can – that’s wonderful! However, saying that this is the barometer of whether or not it is ‘love’ does not give room for the stressors, challenges, hardships, and work that come with relationships. It can once again potentially put down an otherwise healthy relationship, or not honor the complexities of one’s own relationship.
3) Real love stories never have endings.
Source: Richard Bach [variation: True love stories never have endings]. Once upon a time, I had a sign that had this very saying on it, hence, how I first discovered this quote.
Issue: Another one that I actually think sounds lovely to my ears, but tough when I hold it up to examine across as a whole. There can sometimes be a tendency to want to minimize, disown, undo, or negate something because it ENDS. As in because it ended, it wasn’t real.
It can be really important to separate the legitimacy of something happening – the experiences, feelings, learnings/lessons/teachings, etc. – and know that these are not erased or false because whatever _________________ that occurred had an ending point.
Can you imagine if someone said this in regard to death? That because a life was cut short, that that person’s impact, reach, love, etc. weren’t real? And yet, as a therapist, remembering that the end of relationships can feel like a form of death, loss, or grief for so many of us helps me to hold space for all of the processing that may be needed in finding meaning in something ending. That because it is over doesn’t mean that it didn’t matter or have an impact.
Claiming it wasn’t real denies us or may freeze us in a state of immobility, and can be a form of protecting ourselves from the pain that comes with endings. One of the most healing things that I have heard has been actually the opposite: “Just because it’s over doesn’t mean that it wasn’t real.” Even when relationships are messy, traumatic, involve co-dependency, domestic violence, abuse, etc. – it is still important to honor the real experiences, good and bad, in order to acknowledge the impact. Being able to name and put some this into words can help us to better organize our experiences. There is also work related to understanding the way that pain, loss, grief, shame, and other acknowledged emotions resonate or may stay stuck in our body, but that is another topic for another blog : )
Even as I work to expand, challenge, and be more nuanced with how I view love, I do want to be transparent that as someone who loves poetry, words, and real loves stories – I still have a fondness in my heart for the above quotes. However, being responsible, fair, and open-hearted to the beauty of REAL RELATIONSHIPS means holding a mirror up to the other facets of relationships that may not be remembered or felt outside of the ‘limerence’ stage, and to offer support and validation that you aren’t doing it wrong if it’s not like that all the time.
supAnd, if you are wanting deeper connection, intimacy, conversations, shared moments, freedom together, etc. – there is always support to be found through couple’s therapy, retreats, workbooks, or experiencing safety and connection together on your own. You are allowed to figure it out as you go, and we are here at Northstar if you ever need a helping hand!