You may have heard of gaslighting before; well, the American Psychological Association refers to gaslighting as someone’s means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events. A popular form of gaslighting can look like invalidating or belittling one’s experiences. Unfortunately, it is common for people to do this to themselves.
What does that look like?
Blaming yourself for not “handling things better.” Without acknowledging all the difficulties or challenges you face and the strength it takes to survive them.
Criticizing yourself for being too emotional or disregarding a strong feeling and feeling shame. Without checking in on your feelings, their origin, or noticing triggers.
Shaming yourself for being “too needy” or a “burden.” Without acknowledging that you have needs (like every human) that are likely unmet, this drives the behavior you’re shaming yourself for.
Blaming yourself in the situation without seeing another side. Ex: “They didn’t mean that; if I didn’t ____, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Criticizing yourself for not “getting over” that traumatic or stressful experience. Ex: “Well, it’s been 2 years; I shouldn’t feel this way. What is wrong with me?” No room for understanding the complexity of trauma, the impact, and the patience for working through the healing process.
Does any of this sound like you?
If so, that’s okay, be gentle with yourself. You are not alone. Let’s sit with why this needs to stop.
What purpose is self-gaslighting serving you? Sometimes, people believe dismissing their feelings or experiences will help them in the long run by preparing them to be let down and surprised when things go well. Turns out that invalidating yourself only causes increased depression, low self-worth, anxiety, and more problems.
You can achieve balance. You can acknowledge an experience without belittling yourself; try using the word “and.”
Ex: “I feel really upset about this, AND I don’t know if I am making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.”
“I feel hurt, AND I could have handled that situation better.”
“I love this person, AND I didn’t deserve what happened.”
This may feel challenging to accomplish without the help of a therapist. Consider talking to someone to work through your self-gaslighting tendencies. Belittling yourself never helps; you deserve to treat yourself with kindness!
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