“Should”: The Most Destructive Word for People with ADHD

(The images featured in this post are comics created by an artist who goes by ADHD Alien – you can find more of her work at her website, http://adhd-alien.com)

If you are someone with ADHD – especially if it went undiagnosed for a long time – you have probably heard some variation of the following phrases a lot in your life:

“If you would just apply yourself and put in the effort, you could accomplish so much!”  

“It’s simple, if you would just ____________”

“Look, this works for everyone, you’re just not actually trying hard enough.”

When you hear something negative over and over again, it’s hard to not internalize those comments. Especially when reality seemingly proves those comments to be right over and over! Think about how many times a well-meaning friend has told you about the techniques they use to be able to study so consistently; or your boss has shown you how they are able to stay on top of their workflow; or a family member has bought you a gift that you thought would fix everything, only for you to stop using it after a few weeks.

When it feels like all these things work for everyone around us, it’s almost impossible for us to not become frustrated, guilty, or sad. Every person I’ve talked to that has ADHD, myself included, has had a recurrent dialogue inside their head that says something to this effect: 

“I SHOULD be able to do this, and I SHOULD be able to do it the way that it works for everyone else! The fact that I can’t do it, and that all of these things don’t work for me, is just another sign that I’m a failure.”

This is how SHOULD becomes the most destructive and negative word in an ADHD person’s vocabulary. SHOULD is a reminder of your failures, your shortcomings, and your disappointments; SHOULD is the proof that it’s your fault, that you’re lazy, and you’re doomed to be a failure. And every time you see someone succeed where you have seemingly fallen short, SHOULD can use that as evidence to become even more powerful.

However, SHOULD ignores an incredibly important piece of information, and it is evidence that completely upends the argument that tears you down. The truth will set you free, and the truth is this: The ADHD brain is different from the brains of folks without ADHD in significant ways, and not accounting for these differences is why things seem so hard for us.

In a 2018 review of studies done using brain-imaging technology on ADHD brains, the authors noted several important differences in ADHD brains compared to the average neurotypical brain.

• ADHD patients have diminished functioning in parts of their brains that help to control our ability to focus, our ability to start and complete tasks, and short-term memory. 

• The parts of the ADHD brain that control emotional response and motivation also seem to function differently than the average neurotypical brain.

• There are two complementary systems in your brain called the “default mode network”  (DMN) and the “task positive network” (TPN). The DMN refers to the parts of your brain that are more active when the brain is at rest, whereas the TPN refers to the parts of your brain that are more active when focus is required. In a non-ADHD brain, the activity levels of these two networks are negatively correlated; when you need to focus, your TPN ramps up and your DMN ramps down, and vice versa. In the ADHD brain, however, the DMN often remains active even as the TPN comes online; this provides us a neurological explanation for the difficulty ADHD have in maintaining focus and why we constantly feel our attention pulled away, no matter how important.

Knowing and acknowledging the differences between an ADHD brain and a non-ADHD brain is key to treating ADHD and finding ways to live a better life. These differences provide concrete evidence that your issue isn’t inherent to you, but that you’ve been taught to use the wrong tools for the job. 

In the short term, this does mean that a key part of living with ADHD is accepting that you have some limitations a lot of other people don’t have. These limitations don’t mean that you cannot do something, but they often do inform what it looks like for you to do them successfully. A good example of this is body-doubling – ADHD people often find that being around someone else helps them to feel more motivated and to focus better.

Would it be ideal for you to be consistently productive on your own? Absolutely! And, honestly, it can suck to admit that you can’t do things the way you feel like you SHOULD be able to. But ask yourself, what feels worse: the short-term negative feelings that can come from needing to ask for help, or another “failure” to add to the pile when you try to do things the way you think you SHOULD be able to? I know for me, that’s some pretty easy math, and I got a D in pre-calc.

And there’s good news – we know that our brains are able to grow and change throughout our lives, a quality that we describe as “neuroplasticity.” Your ADHD brain has the ability to rewrite itself and grow stronger in areas where it may be weaker, meaning that over time you can improve your ability to be productive without needing ADHD hacks like body-doubling. This also means that you can challenge the negative dialogue you have about yourself and learn to see yourself in a more positive and honest light.