It is okay to say “no”. It is not just okay, it can be powerful and life-changing to recognize that something is not the right choice, or no longer serves you and to choose to stop doing that thing. While there is a lot of positive content out there about being open-minded, saying “yes” to more things and choosing the “best yes” for how to use your time, it can also be a positive thing in your life to say “no” more often. This is an idea that I have been thinking about for a while, and it was highlighted recently in Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s decision to not seek re-election as the leader of New Zealand. She said in her statement, “I know what this job takes. And I know that I no longer have enough in the tank to do it justice. It’s that simple.” She knew she could say “no” and that saying “yes” was a clear line to burnout or giving more than she had to give.
Let’s be real, we may not all be the Prime Minister, but for each of us there are so many things that ask us for our time, focus and energy. We can often and easily get pulled into the autopilot setting of “go-go-go”, always busy and feeling overwhelmed, feeling like we can barely catch our breath. There is the fear of missing out, a fear of disappointing others, a desire to prove to others that we can have it all and still get the perfectly baked cookies to the PTA bake sale on time, making it to that workout class and running that meeting as if you prepped for a week. The truth is, we are all so tired. While there are many good things about saying yes, there is also just not enough time in the day to say yes to everything. As a therapist, I challenge my clients (and myself) to not do things “just because we should” or to not “‘’should’ all over ourselves”. I emphasize this because I see the word should as a catalyst for shame. We can shame ourselves through beliefs that we should do this or that, when really there is not always happiness or fulfillment in those “shoulds”. Even in working to get away from the shoulds, we can find ourselves feeling reactive, impulsive or functioning from a feeling that if we can do something, we need to find a way and make it work.
From this place of overwhelm, a new mantra came to me last year that I have been finding useful in challenging the automatic “yes”. The statement “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”, popped into my head as I was trying to figure out how to make all of the puzzle pieces work and in that moment, these words gave me such freedom. The desire to prove what I can do was getting in the way of the life that I wanted to live. A life that is not overbooked, a life that includes intentional quiet and space for growth. A life that has room to focus on mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health while also nurturing growth, connection and relationships. My automatic “yes” responses were keeping me from my quiet inner voice, and once I started being intentional in what I said “yes” and “no” to, that voice started getting louder and louder. As I consistently consider this mantra, it has become a tool for decision making in my life. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should… or doesn’t mean I have to do XYZ. If I choose to, that is my choice and I can do that, but I can also choose to say “no”. I can choose me, choose time, choose quiet, choose to do the things that bring joy and say no to the things that bring dread or overwhelm.
I have found, too, that these words are not only a tool for decisions related to my time, it can also be useful for choosing how to respond to certain situations. It can help me to be more intentional in my communication with others. The idea that “just because I can doesn’t mean I should” can be a powerful tool to self-regulate and choose to speak calmly, walk away, take a break, wait it out, look for the other person’s perspective or any number of intentional, on-purpose responses we can have when communicating with others or having a difficult time. The idea that we can react quickly and out of anger, or get the last, biting word in during an argument is true, but just because you can doesn’t always mean that you should. There is freedom in choosing calm, in choosing the response that you will be happy with later in the day when your nervous system is better regulated. This choice can be difficult because it can feel validating in those moments to react in anger or with a quick comeback, but it’s important to remember that your feelings are valid whether or not you react in that moment. Sometimes our quick reactions feel good in the moment, but create shame or regret later when we have calmed down. We can feel like we have to prove our point, prove our validity but in actuality we create ongoing problems for ourselves or disruptions in relationships because we don’t always take the time to think through a decision that our future self will be happy with us for choosing.
Now, there will of course be times that you can do something and you should. A decision will line up with your core values, your free time, where you see your future self going and your future self will be grateful that you said “yes”. This mantra or idea is not saying to always say “no” or to always say “yes”. These words, or whatever version you find best aligns with you, is an encouragement and challenge to slow down and be intentional about your choices. To be intentional about what gets your “yes”, but also what gets your “no”. You get to choose those responses and it can be a day by day, decision by decision tool for yourself. Allowing yourself to say “no” can provide the necessary space to grow in the areas of your life where you have felt stuck. It can allow for different conversations to take place in healthier ways. Saying “no” can provide clarity to what can get your “yes” in the future, and help you build self-validation that is grounded in your own goals and not in the continuous competition to “prove” ourselves that it seems society asks of us. You are enough, even when you choose to say “no” to the next request of your time.