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Anger Understood

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Oxford Dictionary defines anger as “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.”

Brené Brown defines anger as “an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of the desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.” 

Read that again with me… We feel violated, wronged, and harmed. 

Anger is an emotion that tells us something is wrong. 

Anger sparks action. Whether you are on the receiving end of it or experiencing this feeling yourself, you may want to do something with this feeling. 

Anger is a strong emotion; it connects to our nervous system, influencing our thoughts and behaviors. 

“Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalizing anger will take away our joy and spirit; externalizing anger will make us less effective in our attempts to create change and fore connection. It’s an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving: courage, love, change, compassion, justice.” – Brené Brown (Atlas of the heart). 

There’s something under the anger…

We live in a world and we get in a pattern where it is easier to say, “I am mad” than “I am hurt”.

What’s beneath the anger?

  • Hurt
  • Shame
  • Sadness
  • Disappointed
  • Lonely
  • Overwhelmed
  • Embarrassed
  • Pain
  • Frustration
  • Scared
  • Anxiety

Let’s look at some differences:

  1. I’m so mad at you right now. VS. I am sad.
  2. I’m angry you didn’t take out the trash as I said. VS. I am disappointed and frustrated you didn’t take out the trash as I asked.
  3. I’m angry the house is a mess. VS. I am anxious that the house is a mess.
  4. I’m mad you didn’t come to dinner with us! VS. I am sad, you didn’t come to dinner with us.

What to do with anger:

  1. Stop and notice what’s coming up for you.
  2. Check-in with “why” you are feeling the way you are feeling.
  3. Identify the feeling. “I am feeling _____”.
  4. Don’t rush to push the feeling away. It’s okay to feel and experience whatever is coming up for you.
  5. If the feeling is causing pain or discomfort, address it in a way that fits you.

Maybe you address your feelings by talking with a friend, going on a walk, reflecting in a journal, or talking to your therapist about it.

Everyone experiences a variety of emotions, including anger. You are not alone with strong feelings, and you have the opportunity to feel your feelings. Want to discuss more? Connect with us today.

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