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You are here: Home / communication / Contempt in Relationships: A Silent Killer Impacting Love and Health

Contempt in Relationships: A Silent Killer Impacting Love and Health

January 8, 2024 by Carol Ann Isbell, LMFT, LCSW

Love, in its beautiful complexity, often brings immense joy and fulfillment to our lives. Yet, as research reveals, certain expressions of love can lead to unforeseen consequences—ones that not only affect the quality of relationships but also impact our health and longevity.

Understanding Contempt’s Impact

Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman extensively studied relationship dynamics that can make or break partnerships. Among his findings, the most striking discovery revolves around the destructive power of contempt. Contempt, when it creeps into a relationship, acts as a silent toxin, gradually eroding the very foundation upon which love stands.

Defining Contempt

Contempt isn’t just a momentary feeling of frustration or annoyance. It encompasses a pervasive sense of superiority and disdain for one’s partner, marked by sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, and other disrespectful behaviors. This toxic ingredient poisons the emotional climate of a relationship, leading to hostility, resentment, and ultimately, disconnection.

Impact on Health

Contempt’s impact isn’t confined to emotions alone; it extends its reach into our physical well-being. Studies reveal that individuals trapped in relationships characterized by contempt are more prone to stress-related health issues. Elevated stress levels, stemming from constant emotional tension, can significantly affect our immune system, heart health, and overall vitality. The result? A potential reduction in lifespan.

Strategies for Healthier Relationships

Breaking free from contempt’s grasp requires proactive strategies:

  1. Cultivate Respect: Respect forms the bedrock of a healthy relationship. Embrace differences, communicate kindly, and appreciate each other’s perspectives.
  2. Practice Empathy: Step into your partner’s shoes. Understanding their emotions and experiences fosters empathy, paving the way for compassion and connection.
  3. Effective Communication: Learn to communicate constructively. Use “I” statements, listen actively, and avoid toxic language or behaviors.
  4. Seek Professional Help: Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. Professional support can provide valuable tools to navigate relationship challenges.

Embracing Love for Well-being

Love is meant to enrich our lives, not diminish our well-being. Recognizing and addressing contemptuous behaviors is crucial for paving the way toward healthier relationships and, ultimately, a happier, longer life together.

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Filed Under: communication, Couples, Family, Happiness, Health & Wellness, mental health, Relationships, therapy Tagged With: counseling, couples, health & wellness, mental health

Author Profile


Carol Ann Hamilton Isbell
LMFT, LCSW [she/her]
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and one of the founders of Northstar Counseling Center who specializes in:

EMDR, Relationships, Anxiety, Perfectionism
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