“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle
Habits can be both powerful and insidious in the sense that once they are part of our routine, they can be automatic, and also difficult to change. In a sense, when I as a therapist meet with folks, a lot of talk revolves around habits – the ways that certain thoughts, roles, interactions, feelings, and responses have been engrained and entrenched. The brain is often looking for ways to save time, and goes to habits that ‘work’ as a means of being able to expend less energy and help us survive. The good news is that habits can grow, change, and evolve, often with us replacing an old habit with something new. This also means that habits can be the things that help us not just survive, but grow, thrive, and come to truly serve us, as well (Duhigg, 2012)!
Habits often are broken down the following (Duhigg, 2012):
- Cue
- Trigger
- Routine
- Reward
In a great book, Atomic Habits, they also look at these in a different way (Clear, 2018):
- Cue
- Craving
- Response
- Reward
An example of this could be:
Cue: You exercise and ‘get your sweat on’
Craving: Your thirst increases and you crave water
Response: You get water and thankfully gulp it down
Reward: You feel hydrated and better, and associate exercise with water, maybe carrying a bottle of it with you in the future
One that can be true for many therapists is:
Cue: Working on notes/administrative work and feeling tired/bored
Craving: Wanting some distraction or reprieve – game on phone, social media, etc.
Response: Getting on one’s phone and doing something mindless
Response: Getting on your phone can become associated with doing notes and feeling bored/tired, making the doing of the notes EVEN longer
A lot of habit formation can arise in the response portion – such as acknowledging that we are needing a distraction or reprieve, and choosing what we do next. Positive self-talk that we CAN DO this, stretching, going for a walk, having a conversation with a co-worker, getting water, or playing a game after setting a timer can all be different ways of responding that help take care of us.
Below are a few tips for looking at your own habits and seeing what best serves you!
- Whether you start small or ‘go big or go home,’ make sure to give yourself the space that you need for beginning to change your habits
- While we CAN overhaul our entire lives at once, and some folks may benefit from an all-or-nothing approach, many folks do better with focusing their energies on one or a few new habits at a time. That being said, whether you are starting off the week focusing on one habit or 4 related habits (say health, or finances), it IS important to make space for the extra mental effort that will be involved. Habits are truly our brains’ way of getting to exert less effort, and not following the neural tracks that have been laid down by our brains over time – and, purposely doing something different, repeatedly, takes a lot of effort. Any preparation, space, or time to reflect and check in with yourself will be important as you go from doing something mindlessly and/or automatically to more mindfully and/or intentionally.
2) Take a look at the 4 Laws of Behavior Change! (Clear, 2018)
| Laws of Behavior Change | Process of Habits | Creating a Good Habit | Breaking a Bad Habit |
| The 1st Law | Cue | Make it obvious | Make it invisible. |
| The 2nd Law | Craving | Make it attractive | Make it unattractive. |
| The 3rd Law | Response | Make it easy | Make it difficult. |
| The 4th Law | Reward | Make it satisfying | Make it unsatisfying. |
There are so many scenarios that these can apply to, but the questions that I love that stem from this, and are so eloquently described in Atomic Habits for working towards creating good habits are:
- How can I make it obvious?
- How can I make it attractive?
- How can I make it easy?
- How can I make it satisfying?
3) Acknowledging How Something Serves Us
So often when folks see me, they may be doing things that they feel very polarized about in that there is a great amount of internal conflict. They want to do one thing, and their actions and results indicate something contrary or the opposite. Sometimes I gently ask the question of, “How does ________ serve you? What are the benefits or ways that it adds [something] to your life?” Sometimes I get stares, confusion, or even laughter, and sometimes people may begrudgingly list out a few benefits, before stating, “But it’s not worth it!”
This may be true! That being said, one of my favorite models that I love, Internal Family Systems, looks at the way that we move through the world and the idea of us as having different parts of us that may be active and on stage, or in the background. This model says everything we do may be trying to help us in some way – and that parts, like habits, may have been something that helped us to survive or get through something, and have worked before for us, but potentially are not serving us in the same way. It can be hard to let go of a habit or stop a part from acting in a certain way without understanding how it is trying to take care of us, and the lengths it has gone to in order to do so.
- Overeating? –> can be trying to help us with numbing, getting increased dopamine, pleasure, comfort.
- Gambling? –> trying to provide us with exhilaration, more dopamine, risk, excitement, money, a challenge.
- Addiction? –> really, far too many to name, but many folks talk about the things that hooked them in, felt seductive, comforting, made their lives better, etc. in addition to the physiological changes that felt good.
Even when we change a habit, the old one still may be there and accessible to us, particularly when we are tired or do not have as much brain function/willpower left. Having grace and understanding of the ways a part or habit has tried to serve us may also help us to work on meeting that need in a different way(s) as we move forward.
4) Habit Hacking: Very Cool, and You are Also More Than Your Productivity
I have already written a separate blog on challenging internalized hustle culture and glorified capitalism/productivity, but am just wanting to invite folks into the idea that habits can also be about rest, slowing down, etc. There is a lot of focus in our society on self-improvement and self-growth, and while this is huge, I also want to acknowledge the idea of us being cyclical creatures and it being okay for us to have habits that move us forward, propel us into creativity and new things, as well as habits that relate to recharging, reflection, etc. Not all habits need to be about being an optimized human being. Sometimes a habit of tea or coffee while sitting outside and breathing in the outdoor air is plenty, and is also an incredible way to start the day!
5) “Identity change is the North Star of habit change.” – James Clear (Atomic Habits)
I chose this quote because it references my company – Northstar! – but also because I had never thought of habits in this way. One amazing thing that I took away from this book was that habits don’t just have to be about goals and tasks, but also about identity. As opposed to thinking first about the tasks to become the person we want to be, James Clear suggests thinking about the person we want to be, and that we can choose habits that align with that, and help give us evidence towards the identity that we are crafting (Clear, 2018). Examples of this may include:
I am a therapist who deeply cares and is invested in growing to serve her clients.
I am someone who honors and takes care of my home.
I am someone who values her health and listens to her body.
From statements like these, that relate to who I or who you want to be, we can begin to think of steps to help us move towards this, and also give our brain the signal that – yes, maybe we are that kind of person, or at least getting to make a choice that gives nudges us in that direction. That it can be about progress vs. perfection in becoming who we want to be.
I have referenced Atomic Habits and The Power of Habit throughout this blog (see references below), and also want to highly recommend The First 15: The Morning Routine That Took me From Barely Surviving to Livin’ The Dream by Matt Scoletti as all highly incredible books that look at changing habits to serve you!
References:
Clear, J. (2018) Atomic habits: Tiny changes, remarkable results: An easy & proven way to build good habits and break bad ones. New York: Avery, and imprint of Penguin Random House.
Duhigg, C. (2012). The power of habit: Why we do what we do in life and business. New York: Random House.