People get pretty hard on themselves as we navigate yet another wave of the pandemic. Shouldn’t I be used to this “new normal”? Shouldn’t I be used to work from home while parenting kids who are schooling from home? Why am I so exhausted? I am sick of feeling burnt out by trying to stay safe, but I also know I should keep my guard up. Some of us are starting to beat ourselves up for not knowing how to handle this. And, really, it’s not just with the pandemic.
Pandemic or not, people can be hard on themselves so often. I said the wrong thing during that meeting. I should have been kinder to my kid when they had that tantrum. Why am I not better at doing x, y, or z hard thing? Shouldn’t I have learned how to do that already? Why did I make that mistake? Why am I so much? Not enough? Why are these emotions showing up? Why can’t I set and maintain limits with that person? Why don’t I even understand myself?
A lot of people will say things about therapy like, “I just want some unbiased feedback” or to talk to someone who is “neutral”. Well, the bad news is that I am really, really biased, in that I can’t help but see my clients with rose colored glasses on, even when they can’t see themselves that way. (Carl Rogers hyped this fad called unconditional positive regard, and I drank the Kool-Aid. Sorry/not sorry.)
Those rose colored glasses don’t mean ignoring the challenges or things that aren’t working, minimizing the things people want to see change and growth around, or thinking that doing harmful things is ok–what that means, for me, is being really accepting and curious instead of judgmental about what’s going on that leads to stuckness or making choices that are regrettable.
Part of my role is asking people to step back to get a slightly different perspective, and seek answers to some of those questions. Why are you feeling stuck? Why is it hard to make change? And where did you learn to be so hard on yourself? Is there anything bad that some part of you is worried might happen if you started being a little gentler with yourself? For a lot of people that answer is yes, so how can we make that feel a little safer?
When I work to unpack those questions, some of the places I look are at the systemic things that may lay a foundation upon which many of our choices and life circumstances are built upon. What is happening in the world that contributes to or shapes the options available? What’s happening politically, economically, in the public health sphere? (Yeah Omicron, I’m talking about you.) What does our culture say/show/do that contributes? Is oppression a factor in this? How about experiences of microaggressions, gaslighting, or other invalidations that call into question the validity of your identity, experiences, and self? How about smaller areas of culture–communities, families, friendships? What barriers and constraints shape the choices available to you? What were you taught about this when you were young? How does this fit or not fit with your values, hopes, dreams, goals, worries?
When I ask those questions I aim to strike a balance between seeing the larger picture and the external factors at play and maintaining a sense of power. From that foundation many of us can better understand some of the ways that our past experiences may shape us, why we might face certain challenges, and even, perhaps, to begin seeing ourselves with a bit more compassion and understanding.
I say often that I don’t believe that any of us exist in a vacuum. But so often we are quick to assign blame to ourselves as if we do. This line of questioning isn’t about placing blame elsewhere, or feeling like a helpless victim of circumstance, but about understanding our situations so that we understand what shapes our lives, and how, and where we can hold some power.
Why is this important? Well, I want you to think for a moment about the energy you spend questioning or judging yourself. Sit with that for just a minute. Think about the energy that goes into getting upset with yourself for being upset, having big feelings about having feelings. The energy that goes into being hard on yourself, berating yourself for doing it wrong, or whatever that looks like for you. For many of us, there can be a lot of energy and emotion there.
But this is one of the places where we can actually have some power, slow things down, and perhaps make some change. What could be possible if the energy that were redirected? What might be possible if we were to recognize that maybe we are beating ourselves up for things outside of our control, and to shift that energy towards making change in the places we do have some power? Or at least to see the human-ness and validity of our struggles, our stuckness?
There are a lot of ways that we can work towards freeing up some of that energy and then directing it in ways that feel really good, impactful, powerful, effective, or whatever else you need (sometimes even towards dismantling some of those systemic barriers for those who come after us). But getting to that place can take time. Figuring out how to put on those rose colored glasses and have compassion when you look at yourself can take practice–immediately having self-compassion is not one of those things you should be hard on yourself for struggling with! In the meantime, I encourage you to find those in your life who can put on those rose colored glasses and reflect that version of yourself, even when you’re not able to, and to play around with what happens with you ask questions of yourself and your life in a way that allow you to be a bit gentler with yourself.