The mindset movement was a beautiful thing. It carved out a niche in the context of the social world for the basic concepts of the age-old trifecta; change your thoughts and you can change your feelings and behaviors. But as with all things, excess is never a good thing.
What’s it sound like?
- “Don’t think about it, be positive!”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Find the silver lining!”
- “It could be worse!”
You’ve heard these things. Undoubtedly, you’ve probably found yourself saying some of these things to yourself in times of stress or duress. At their best, these statements come off as trite platitudes that let the speaker off the hook so they don’t have to deal with other people’s feelings (or their own). At their worst, these comments could end up shaming and blaming people who may be dealing with incredibly difficult situations and emotions.
“Good vibes only” turns into toxic positivity when it’s given in the wrong way, in the wrong dose, at the wrong time. If someone is struggling or experienced a traumatic situation and you don’t allow time and space for their emotions to exists, you’re essentially saying, “Your feelings aren’t valid, you’re doing something wrong, and you’re part of the problem.”
If notice falling into this trap, or falling victim to it from others, here’s a few things to focus on to practice positivity with healthy moderation:
- Don’t deny negative emotions, but do manage them. Negative emotions and emotional discomfort is often a cue that something needs to change. Use this as information, acknowledge it, and then focus on what to do next.
- Acknowledge your beautiful complexity. You may be feelings more than one thing. The true test of intelligence is holding two opposing ideas as both being true at the same time; this is true about our emotions. We can feel many things, all at once.
- Listen with acceptance. Whether it be to others or yourself, take it in and allow it space. People have the tendency to quickly jump to, “It’s okay” or “I’m fine.” Respond to yourself or others when you notice this with a simple, “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”
- Practice makes perfect. Practice these replacements: “I’m here for you.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” “You’re not alone.” “What can I do to help /support you through this?” Get comfortable with sitting with the not okay.
Have you noticed falling into toxic positivity?