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You are here: Home / Relationships / Communication / The Dear Man Skill: an effective communication skill

The Dear Man Skill: an effective communication skill

May 8, 2023 by Meredith Edelen

Do you ever struggle to get someone to understand you? Do you feel like you don’t know how to ask for something? Do you want help with how to speak to someone effectively and clearly?

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based psychotherapy with a set of “skills” to help people with their life. The skills range from distress tolerance, emotion regulation, core mindfulness, walking the middle path skills, and interpersonal effectiveness.

  • What Does “Dialectical” Mean? Dialectical = two opposite ideas can be true simultaneously and, when considered together, create a new truth and a new way of viewing the situation. There is always more than one way to think about a situation. EX: I am happy, and I am sad. — Imagine graduation day, happy for the next chapter, and sad to see people leaving your life.

The DEAR MAN skill is a strategy for communicating effectively and will help you express your wants and needs in a way that is respectful to yourself and others.

Describe:

Describe the situation, including only the facts. “I noticed when we talk about money, you often interrupt me when I am speaking.”

Express:

Express your feelings using “I” statements (“I feel . . .,). Stay away from “you should . . .”; instead, say, “When I am interrupted, it makes me feel upset and hurt.”

Assert:

Ask for what you want or say “no” clearly. Remember, the other person cannot read your mind. “I would like you to let me finish speaking.”

Reinforce:

Reward (reinforce) the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want. Tell them why it matters! “I would be able to feel respected and heard by you, if you allowed me to speak without interruptions.”  

After you have communicated the ^ DEAR, you utilize the MAN section below.

Mindful:

 Keep your focus on what you want and only talk about one thing at a time. Try your best to avoid distractions. Come back to your assertion over and over, like a broken record. Ignore attacks. “I know you don’t mean to, and you don’t want to forget what you want to say. And I would like you to let me finish speaking.”

Appear Confident:  

Make and maintain eye contact. Use a confident tone of voice.  

Negotiate:  

Be willing to give to get. Ask for the other person’s input. Offer alternative solutions to the problem. Know when to “agree to disagree” and walk away. Some situations allow negotiation, and others are harder to achieve a mutual comprise. Continuing with the example — you are either being interrupted or you aren’t; a compromise could be offered that neither partner is speaking longer than a minute to allow both people to conversate rather than long monologues.

Tips for using this skill:

  • Write down each step prior to speaking with someone else.
  • Practice saying what you need to in the mirror or with a trusted person.
  • Plan a meeting time to eliminate miscommunication over text; you can use your tone of voice effectively!
  • Take deep breaths or practice mindfulness prior to this skill.

Examples:

“Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed you make jokes at my expense. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about myself. I would like you to stop making jokes at my expense. If you were able to stop making these jokes, I would feel less anxious around you.”

“I noticed you have made comments about what I wear. It makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. I would like you not to comment on my physical appearance. If you could respect this, I would feel heard and respected by you.”

“Over the past two weeks, you came home late after practice. When you come home late, I feel worried about you. I would like you to text me when you are coming home late. I would be able to trust you more, give you more privileges and feel better myself if you kept me in the loop.”

“I noticed when we talk about money, you often interrupt me when I am speaking. When I am interrupted, it makes me feel upset and hurt. I would like you to let me finish speaking. I would be able to feel respected and heard by you if you allowed me to speak without interruptions.”

Consider talking to your therapist about how to communicate with others.

Want to discuss more? Connect with us today.

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Filed Under: Communication, communication, Couples, language Tagged With: assert, boundaries, communication, dbt, dear man skill, dialectical behavior therapy, express yourself, mindful, needs, reinforce

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Meredith Edelen
LCSW, LMFT [she/her]

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