I hope that I am not alone in having a few embarrassing or “cringe” memories of my younger self that I can reflect on with humor and self-compassion. We have all been there, right? For me, that was a recent walk down memory lane through my high school yearbook and my choice of senior quote by the oh so wise Ashton Kutcher. The quote was “be happy, never be satisfied,” and I remember feeling so motivated by these words as I thought about my future and the goals that I had for myself. Now, taking life advice from the actor who embodies the character of Michael Kelso on television sure brought up feelings of unease or silliness upon reflection. Even more embarrassing is realizing this is actually a misattributed quote originally said by Bruce Lee (insert face palm emoji here). I think the real place to practice self-compassion in this memory though is recognizing that seventeen year old Allison was so sure that this level of striving was the key to success. Be happy, choose happiness, and always strive for more. Never let your successes be good enough, because there is always more. Being content is somehow giving up or giving in to being less than. Ouch.
The truth is, for me at least, this mentality was a sure fire road toward burnout and discontent. So I asked myself, what would current day Allison say to my seventeen year old self instead? First, I would let her know to go ahead and break up with that boy I was dating and save myself several more years of drama, and I would want her to know that her thirties would be much better than teens or twenties, so hang in there! Next though, I would adjust that striving senior quote to say, “you may not always feel happy, but you can always choose to be content right where you are”. To be satisfied, and mindfully aware while feeling gratitude and present is the real answer to happiness. It is a conscious choice to not compare, not ruminate and not focus so far ahead that you miss the beauty of the present. This choice is not always easy, or pretty, but the practice of choosing your thoughts, your focus, and your mindset can be the answer to finding contentment and quieting the striving mind. By sitting gently with yourself through hardship and knowing yourself well enough to know that everything you need is already inside of you, you give yourself this gift.
While mindfulness is an ongoing practice, rather than a “one choice fixes all” action, there are steps that you can begin to practice today to choose contentment over dissatisfaction. These are ideas to get you started, but feel free to explore within yourself other practices that may help you tune in to gratitude and tune out the striving, “it isn’t good enough” mind:
- Get outside. Being present in the natural world around you can be a grounding activity and an opportunity to find connection to something larger than yourself. In the fast paced environment of the striving mind, it can be easy to become distracted from the beauty of the natural world, our deep connection to each part of this planet and how nature is a beautiful example of pace, balance and presence. Take a mindful walk and notice what your senses tune in to as you see, smell, feel and experience each step. Get up from your desk and take 5 slow, deep breaths outside. Close your eyes and picture yourself in your favorite outdoor space. What about this location is peaceful or comforting for you?
– - Connect, don’t compare. Being present with yourself is an important skill to practice, as is connecting with others. This can be a grounding experience but it can also increase striving thoughts or a competitive mindset if not done with intention. Think through which relationships in your life leave you feeling positive, encouraged and kind to yourself. Ask yourself if you currently have any relationships where you leave feeling discontent, stressed out or engaging in self-judgment. Connecting with people that bring out kindness, who are happy with us and for us and help us practice non-judgmental acceptance can help us increase our contentment practice by being mindfully aware, in the present moment and engaged with these connections. It can also be a helpful reminder and practice to recognize the type of friend or connection we want to be for others, allowing us to strengthen these characteristics in ourselves.
– - Grow gratitude. Almost all of the research that explores contentment and happiness focuses on the need for a gratitude practice. Reflecting on what you have, rather than what you wish you had is a difficult but rewarding exercise. Growing gratitude can be a practice of identifying one grateful thought each day, finding someone or something to thank each day or self reflection to notice what you already have inside or outside of yourself and notice it in a mindful way. Increased recognition that the answer to “what do I need” is inside of us already, and not at the next store, the next goal or in comparison to the next person can bring to us inner peace and the ability to be okay just as we are. You are enough. A striving mindset can lead us to believe that we are not enough. You are enough.
This practice of attunement, connection and gratitude does not mean that you must always feel happy. Quite the contrary actually. This practice allows you to sit in your discomfort, your hard times, your joy and more without judgment and without a need to “fix it”. It gives you permission to trust yourself, to recognize that you have what you need inside of you already and to show up in a more present way in your day to day life. The message here also is not that you cannot have goals or a desire to grow and improve. With balance, having goals, dreams and working hard toward those goals can also lead to happiness and contentment. The reflection that I would like to offer is that striving to always be happy, and to never be satisfied or find things to be “good enough” may leave you feeling disconnected and depleted rather than connected and thriving. That is a message that I wish my seventeen year old self knew. That she was good enough then, now and ongoing. What do you wish your seventeen year old self knew and how can you gently and with self-compassion give that message to yourself now?