Believing in change is powerful, yet I often hear people share concerns that it’s not possible for them, or for a particular issue. We can feel stuck, in a place of being aware of the things that we would like to see change, and completely unsure of, or overwhelmed by, actually making those changes real. But what I know, and have the privilege to witness, is that change is very possible. (Knowing that change is possible is part of what keeps me energized and engaged in this work!) Here are a few things that I know about change.
- People often begin therapy when they are aware of but feeling stuck with the things they would like to see change. This can be a very hard place to sit! And sometimes we have to be in this spot for a while, as we are doing that change work. Being aware while also feeling incapable of controlling the things we want change with can lead to tough meta-emotions (how you feel about your feelings): you can go from, lets say, criticizing yourself, to criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself. You can feel angry about your anger, or sad about your anxiety. This adds a whole other layer of (often negative) experience to something that already is uncomfortable. Softening this harshness with ourselves can be a great place to begin–the process of change is enough without piling on more for not changing fast enough or good enough or whatever else we want to tell ourselves. How might we do that? Try talking to yourself how you would a friend, or a loved one, if they were feeling upset with themselves. Take a stance of noticing instead of reacting: think about the difference between “There I go, doing that thing again, wow, I have been so aware of that recently,” and “There I go again, AGAIN, I can’t believe I’m doing this, is this going to just happen forever? What is that going to do to my relationship with my partner?” Noticing, maybe even with some curiosity, can feel very different than getting into stories we might tell ourselves about how this will never change, what it means about us as a person that we are struggling, or what it means for our life, or might mean if we stay stuck.
- Making change can be frustrating. Here’s how I conceptualize the process of change for many people (using very polarized language about right and wrong that I don’t totally agree with but for simplicity’s sake, it’s happening): Get it “wrong”. Get it “wrong” again. Notice getting it “wrong”. Get it “right”… but only in your head and like 5 hours later while you’re thinking about how you wish you had responded differently. Get it kind of messily “right” in real time. Get it “wrong” again. Get it “wrong” and notice in the moment what’s happening for you. Get it “right” by being able to go back to the same frustrating situation, where you first got it “wrong”, and take it really slowly. Get it “right” when you have the support of a therapist or loved one who is there in real time as it’s happening. Get it messily “right” again. Get it “wrong” some more. Get it “right” some more. Get it “wrong” less frequently. Get it “wrong” but catch yourself in the moment. Get it “right” more often. And eventually, that change becomes easier and less clunky, it starts to feel more possible and natural. I note all of this not to be a drag and point out how much work it can be along the way, but to normalize that change is messy, and does not go like this: Notice the thing I want to do differently. Do it differently. The end, happily ever after, period, no big deal. That is unrealistic, and an idea that can increase frustration when, as humans, change takes longer than we tell ourselves it should.
- Part of why change takes a while is because you are literally building neural pathways. I will spare you some of the details, but consider the basics: when we think and act, this is essentially because neurons fire down different pathways in our brains. Sometimes they fire without our doing much to make that happen, and sometimes it takes a lot of work. Part of why this becomes easier is because as the neurons in our brain are firing, they are creating or strengthening pathways. The pathways that are used often become easier for neurons to travel down, and that way of thinking becomes easier and less intentional. The pathways we don’t lose start to shrink down, and even become cut off. (Think of a trail in the forest–at first it may have new growth trying to encroach, and branches and stones creating obstacles. Over time, the soil becomes packed down and new growth stops trying to grow there, and the small debris is cleared away, and the big stones and logs simply become detours that the path works around.) The amazing thing about our brains is that they are extremely plastic, and research is showing us very exciting things about the possibility of building and strengthening neural pathways well into old age, even after harmful experiences like strokes or brain injuries. However, we may mistake plateaus (a normal part of the growth process) or regression/backsliding (also normal!) as a sign of defeat. Similarly, I often have clients who are quite surprised when I reflect back that a year or 6 months ago they would have responded to something differently. Often when something becomes less challenging, we stop noticing it as much–and often may miss the opportunity to recognize the changes that are happening in our lives and our brains! So while the changes you want to make may feel daunting, are you able to recognize times when you did change a pattern? A time where your brain didn’t go to the worst case scenario, or you didn’t respond to yourself as harshly as you had been, or any of the other changes that you might not have been as aware of? Are there things that you can think of that lead you to ask, “Oh yeah, when did I stop (or start) doing that differently?”
I encourage you to hold out hope for yourself, to know that your brain, like all brains, is plastic and amazing and able to heal and change. If you want to know more about some of this hopeful and exciting brain science, I recommend the book The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge, or Phantoms in the Brain, by V.S. Ramachandran, for some incredible stories about brains doing amazing things!