As Autumn approaches and the busy days of summer vacations and activities come to a halt, we have natural opportunities to slow down and listen to the signals that arise in our daily lives. These signals include what emotions we’re experiencing and how they’re manifesting in our bodies. Many of us don’t often think about emotions as signals because it can feel like our emotions are much bigger than simply a signal; that they come roaring in and we have little control over them. Yet, slowing down and interpreting what a particular emotion is signaling to us can be very helpful in not only understanding ourselves and our current experiences, but this viewpoint can also help externalize what we’re feeling so that we can take that signal in and decide what we want to do with it. This approach can help us feel much more in control of our emotions rather than our emotions controlling us.
It’s worth noting that ‘being in control of our emotions’ does not mean that we can control what we feel and when we feel it. We’re human beings, so feelings can and will come over us in ways that we can’t predict or control. But slowing down and being intentional about how we think about and react to these emotions gives us control in how we move forward. This is also helpful because it provides perspective on how the not-so-fun emotions are actually trying to help us rather than rather than bring us down. You may even find yourself being appreciative of these emotions because they really have the best of intentions!!!
Here are some things to consider when viewing emotions as signals:
–Anger is thought to be a natural response to drive us to advocate for ourselves. When we have been wronged and therefore want our well-being to be taken into account in the future so that we can stay safe and happy, our anger appears and we want others to pay attention to that. The idea is that by showing anger to other people, they will take us more seriously in the future because they see how strongly we feel about this and insist that we deserve more.
This makes sense evolutionarily, yet we can learn to take some time to calm down and evaluate what really caused our anger in a given situation and make a conscious decision of how we want to do deal with it. Were we truly wronged by someone who had ill-intent and we need to address this for our future? Or does that anger come from a traffic jam when we’re already running late to work? If we feel we were overlooked for a promotion, would it be in our best interest to scream at our boss and quit, or to sit down and have a calm conversation in which your needs and concerns are able to really be heard?
Being able to step back and evaluate the purpose of anger and how applicable it is to our current situation can help us make a better choice with what to do with it. Presenting your needs in an angry state is often not the way we are truly heard and acknowledged. So, listening to what the anger is trying to signal to us but not presenting things in an angry way is a way to understand the emotion but be intentional about its delivery.
–Guilt and shame often go hand-in-hand in many situations. Their purpose is to cause us to slow down, evaluate our choices and our actions, and to see if they are lining up with our moral compasses as functioning members of society. If we didn’t feel guilt or shame, then what would our incentive be to apologize and take responsibility? And what would drive us to make better choices in future situations? For example, if we cheat on a romantic partner we may feel guilt in that choice. That guilts drives us to evaluate what led to that, to care that we let our partner down, and to try to make better choices in the future.
Or if we’re involved in a minor car accident we may feel guilt about if/how we could’ve prevented it and decide that there probably wasn’t anything we could’ve done on our end prevent it, but it isn’t a bad idea to start driving with ‘do not disturb’ mode on. In these cases, guilt has led you to really consider the factors involved. Once you have done those things, guilt has done its job. Holding onto that guilt once we know what changes we do or don’t want to make moving forward is no longer productive.
–Anxiety often feels like a foe that makes our lives uncomfortable and hard. But anxiety really is beneficial to us if we can put it into context and decide what we want to do with it! We need anxiety to make us alert and take action if we’re running from a wild animal, crossing a busy road, needing to get an assignment turned in on-time at work so we can keep our jobs, or monitoring a sick newborn. Those are all good reasons to slow down, be alert, and to be intentional with the courses of action we take (thanks, anxiety!). However, when anxiety gets out-of-hand or appears at times when we know we are actually safe or the present threat is low, we can work to calm that anxiety and make it more manageable.
If we are quietly sitting at home and all of a sudden we feel our heart race, our mind can go to an urgent, anxious place. But we have the power to slow down, take some deep breaths, and evaluate the situation. Are our physical or emotional safety really threatened in that moment? Could it be that caffeine just kicked in? Or that you’re getting a chest cold? Or that you have heartburn? Or did you see something on tv that triggered a traumatic experience from your past? After evaluating these things, you may find that there actually is not presently a current threat, or at least one that requires immediate action to keep you safe. You can tell your mind and body that you actually are safe right where you are and that you can handle the difficulties that are involved with whatever is actually happening. There isn’t a bear behind your couch that you need to run from to save your life, but maybe you call a doctor or therapist to check out what is going on. One situation is very pressing and the other is doable in addressing over time. Helping your mind understand the difference between these two situations is very helpful in easing anxiety and feeling like you are ok and have some amount of control over your situation.
Notice that slowing down and being intentional are a part of all of these scenarios. Emotions can come on quickly and feel powerful, and they sometimes take over the moment. But it is within our power to slow down and understand them, which usually takes some the urgency out of them if it isn’t necessary. This allows our rational minds to have some input into the situation to give a more well-rounded picture of what is actually going on.