Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that January and the new year is feeling good for you so far… And I realize full well that it may not be feeling like a wonderful fresh start for everyone.
Some people find it pretty tough to shake off stuff that comes up around the holidays–the family dynamics that you don’t usually have to be as in touch with can be right up close. Or maybe you aren’t as close, emotionally or distance wise, with your family or loved ones as you had hoped you would be. Maybe you worked to set some boundaries that weren’t respected, or your boundaries were respected but it meant changing traditions and rituals.
And, once we’re past the holidays the gloom of winter can set in, without holidays or time off from work and school to shake things up. We can do lots of things to support ourselves (I’m not a doctor, but I do know that a lot of people find that adjusting their supplements or diet to bring in more nutrients that counteract getting less sunlight, getting extra exercise, getting more sun or using a sun lamp, etc. to be very helpful) but sometimes that seasonal depression just hits hard.
This is also a time of year that we can tend to judge ourselves. “Why didn’t I stick with last year’s resolution?!” Or we might set a goal for the year that feels really challenging–maybe at first exciting, but then shifting to being a blow to the ego when we don’t feel we could possibly meet it. Maybe we were more indulgent than we wanted to be with naps or alcohol or food, and are telling ourselves we did something wrong. Or maybe it wasn’t a “productive” break, or not as restful as you had hoped, or maybe you didn’t have any break to care for yourself.
Maybe some of these resonate, or perhaps there’s something for you that I didn’t mention here that’s really bumming you out. Or maybe reading all of the reasons that you might feel bummed out is the biggest bummer of all. (If so, I’m sorry!)
So what can we do about it if our new year is not feeling like it’s off to the best start?
- We can re-evaluate our goals. (In therapy, too!) The new year can be a great time to take stock of what is and isn’t working well for you. It might be a good time to talk with your therapist about something you’re ready to shift your focus to and to update some of your goals in that work. As you do this, please also take the time to evaluate what you’re doing well. What are the successes you want to maintain? What are your strengths you can draw on as you confront new challenges? If you are shifting goals, does that mean that there are some goals that you met? If so, celebrate that! Are any of those resolutions actually helpful or achievable, and if not, what does it look like if they are adjusted in a way that’s helpful for you? I appreciate that people are pushing back against “new year, new you!”–as if the you you are isn’t enough? That’s bogus!
- Take stock of the context that you’re existing in. Sometimes we forget that we humans do not exist in a vacuum, but are impacted by many things in our lives. Are there things that you’re giving yourself a hard time for that aren’t really your responsibility? Or are not fully your responsibility? Are there factors–where our world is financially, politically, etc.–that are exacerbating or helping to create some of the challenges you face? We can’t pull ourselves out of our contexts, but we can stop beating ourselves up or giving ourselves extra responsibility that we don’t deserve for where we are.
- I encourage you to also take stock of how life, and change, happens. Change is not linear. When a baby stands up for the first time, and then falls down, we don’t think “oh come on, you should know how to do this by now!” We cheer them on, and try to snap a photo, and call everyone else into the room to see! And then when they fall down on the next 15 attempts, we still cheer them on, we know they’ll get it again one of these times! We need to treat ourselves a bit more like this, sometimes. Progress is not a straightforward, linear path. It meanders and sometimes we feel lost. And relatedly, as much as it might sound a bit cliche, we have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, rather than being so focused on the end goal that we forget there are a lot of little points of progress and success along the way. Every day, every moment, we have the opportunity to try new things. We don’t have to make all of our changes in January just because we see it as a fresh start. You can have a new beginning whenever you need it and are ready for it.
- As you evaluate what you want your year (and life!) to look like, and especially if that means looking at some of the things that aren’t working so well for you, it’s ok to lean on your supports. Who can help you feel more confident about the things you want to have happen in your life this coming year? Who is a helpful reflection of your strengths and successes, and can help you see those things within yourself that will help you succeed? The people around us all hold up mirrors that reflect a version of who we are. Sometimes it’s inaccurate, a funhouse mirror, and we may want to decrease the amount of stock we put in that mirror. Sometimes that reflection is a good match for how we hope to see ourselves. Sometimes we may doubt the positive reflections of ourselves, too. It is ok to lean on the reflections that help us see strengths that we may overlook sometimes, that help us remember our past successes and go against the parts of us that doubt ourselves.
My hope is that your year is off to a good start, and that you are feeling supported, loved, and optimistic about the year ahead. If you aren’t, that is ok, and so my hope in that case is that you are able to give yourself some grace, and to find the supports that help you feel more able to move towards the challenges ahead.