Mom Brain is a popular term these days. It seems to explain the all-encompassing nature of being a parent or primary caregiver where one’s brain is working in overdrive taking care of children and finding our way in this world, and because of this we can become overwhelmed and forgetful. We sometimes can’t remember what we had for lunch yesterday, much less where we (or tiny hands) put our car keys. We call our kids by the dog’s name when we’re in the middle of packing their lunches, trying to find their favorite jacket to avoid a meltdown, and scheduling that important meeting at work. “Little” tasks can somehow feel so hard to complete in moments of chaos and overload.
Being responsible for the daily upbringing of kids while trying to make their childhoods supportive, loving, and setting the stage for them to be upstanding citizens of this world is no small burden to bear. Moms are well-aware that everything we do, from how we respond to a ‘boo boo’ (I want to be supportive but also not to overreact and put my anxiety on them) to what we feed them for meals everyday (am I setting their brain up for learning and developing healthy habits?? While also not being too rigid about it that I encourage food or body image issues?) to how much ‘screen time’ we allow (do they play outside enough? Does the iPad take the place of them socializing? But kids in this busy world also need a BREAK sometimes), it often feels like all of these little decisions are actually not so little when you add them up. Gosh, this is A LOT to have on our minds every. single. day. And that’s just in the first hour of waking up!
First of all, are we surprised that this is an issue modern moms struggle with? We look around (thanks, in part, to social media!) and see women who seem to have perfected the stay-at-home mom life or to have mastered the balance of the working mom. We sometimes trick ourselves into thinking that it is actually attainable for someone to be a ‘super-mom.’ We think we see them take time for themselves, their partner and friends, never lose their patience with their child, their ‘bad hair day’ looks as good as my ‘good hair day’, and oh yea, they also manage to have paid endorsements as their ‘side hustle.’ We know intellectually that this doesn’t actually exist as it appears to, but boy does it seem right at our fingertips if we just do things a certain way. This added pressure is certainly not good for the mental loads we’re already carrying!
On top of that, I hear many moms today say they struggle with integrating their pre-kid identity with their mom identity. Everyday we are trying to be true to ourselves, the dreams we want to achieve personally and professionally, nurture our friendships, and enjoy the parts of life that light up our souls that don’t have to do with raising children. We do this while wanting to support and guide our kids and let them know that we adore them and will be there for them. Shew! No wonder our brains struggle to remember to return that text to our friend or to send that paperwork in. Can we fit more hours in the day, please?!
When we combine the weight of our daily decisions as moms with trying to honor ourselves as autonomous adult women, all while navigating the bombardment of messages we receive daily about living up to an impossible standard, it’s no wonder that our brains are completely overloaded!!! It isn’t humanly possible to remember every detail or to have time to devote to everything listed above. So, can we ever eliminate ‘Mom Brain’? If you figure out how to do that one I’ll see you on the NYT’s Bestseller list! Meanwhile, there are things we can do to slow our brains down a bit and focus on the present, which may lessen our mental overload:
Be conscious of and intentional about what you put your attention towards. Sometimes we have to take things off of our lists, and that is more than OK. Saying no to things that are obligatory and will not be helpful to lightening your load or making your soul happy is a form of self-care, especially during this phase of our lives. You may be used to volunteering your time with a charity, but asking for a reduced role for the time being in order to preserve your sanity is completely acceptable. It is also equally acceptable to prioritize this time to volunteer if it brings great meaning to your life even if it means that friends, family, and even your child(ren) will see a little bit less of you. YOU get to decide what to prioritize and how to balance things to serve YOU and your family best!
Also, let’s delegate things when possible. “It takes a village” has been very true in my motherhood journey and I encourage others to use that to their degree of comfort. Sure, mom guilt sets in sometimes, but I remind myself that my kids also benefit from healthy, stable relationships with trusted friends and family members as much as I benefit from the time I get to spend on other parts of my life. I also remind myself that my kids get a less distracted, more whole, and re-charged version of their mom when I use my village to help me.
Meditation and exercise. Yea, I know, we hear those a lot and they seem ideal but hard to actually make happen sometimes. Exercise can be as simple as a 20-minute walk around the block and can help stabilize our wandering minds. Meditation is a very powerful tool to calm down our minds and bodies and allow us to be more present. Being more present in whatever setting we’re in can help our scattered mom brains. There are many apps now that have great 2-minute mediations that can be helpful to do when you pull into the driveway after work or before you pick the kids up from school.
Accept and embrace it! We try. We care. We’re humans. Things will be forgotten and misplaced. Overwhelmed ‘mom brain’ will happen sometimes no matter what we do. So our kids will miss a practice here or there, or be at school without pjs on for pajama day. Looking at the big picture, they are resilient and you are a human. Your kids won’t benefit from a ‘perfect’ mom who never misses an appointment or calls them by the dog’s name. They will benefit from having a mom who makes mistakes and shows them how to lovingly accept and deal with those mistakes. What a great opportunity these moments are to show our children healthy emotional regulation skills, being gentle with yourself, self-care ideas, and how to rebound from tough moments!