We are fine as we are. We don’t really argue or have conflict, and yet I still feel like there’s something missing. I desire more, but am I asking for too much?”
If the times of the pandemic taught us anything, it is that we as humans thrive on positive social interactions. Long-term relationships can hold many benefits for those who choose to engage in them, including partnership, companionship, and family creation whether through children or community expansion. However, while long-term relationships often go through stages of growth and exploration, complacency and stagnation can often creep in if we are not intentionally keeping them at bay.
Many people enter therapy hoping to bring some spark, connection, and even romance back into their relationship. They might not know what to do or how to get back what was lost, they may feel hopeless, doubtful, or resentful of their partner or even their own choices in life. Often, these individuals present with symptoms of depression, increased anxiety and stress. Some even believe that it is typical to lose those things along the way, trading in “the spark” for stability. This can sound like:
- “We use to be all over each other, constantly kissing, holding hands. Now we don’t even sit on the same couch together, let alone acknowledge when we are in the same room as each other unless it is about the children. I wonder why we are even together.”
- “We are fine as we are. We don’t really argue or have conflict, and yet I still feel like there’s something missing. I desire more, but am I asking for too much?”
- “It’s not even possible to still have good conversations or exciting sex after eight years of being with the same person day-in and day-out. There’s nothing new here. I’ve tried everything.”
Think of all of the efforts you put in to your relationship in the earlier stages: creating time for each other, planning dates, talking, learning about each other, and sharing interests. When you reflect on the current state of your relationship, has any of that slipped? Romantic partnerships take intention and action to keep them healthy and functioning.
Creative communication: We live hectic lives and finding time to sit down and talk can feel necessary and impossible at the same time. With the use of technology, thought, we do not need to wait until our schedules perfectly align for an hour-long catch-up session. We can text, snap, or DM our partner throughout the day in order to feel connected. Maybe you saw a funny reel. Maybe your boss did that thing that always makes you roll your eyes. Maybe you heard a song that reminded you of a shared memory. Maybe you snap a spicy picture. Talk to your partner like they are your best friend – with benefits *wink*. Share with them, learn from them, and keep conversation flowing.
Plan time; be spontaneous: Hear me out. While ideally, we all want our relationship to feel like a top priority, and the idea of scheduling time with our partner may feel like scheduling yet another obligation, let’s look at it this way. We put on the calendar what is most important to us so that we do not schedule over it. If we begin to find time in our own days and weeks to spend with our significant other, we discover and create opportunities that may have otherwise been missed. If you see that you are free at noon during a weekday, maybe you surprise your partner with a lunch date. Maybe there’s time to sneak in a walk or even a make out session. Begin to protect time together each week and take that time to do something new together.
Know Yourself: It is important to take time to sit with yourself and reflect without influence of social media or comparing your relationship to others. Get to know yourself in the stage of life you are in, and see what comes up for you. Are you prioritizing health and wellness? Are you focusing on community building or emotional connections? Do you desire more satisfying sexual experiences? Dig into those things, continue to learn and discover what your passions are. Having experiences, solo or with others keeps you out of stagnation, giving you more to share, while better understanding your own wants and needs in life.
Relationships are complicated. Keeping them alive, healthy, and thriving takes the unique work that one would put in for a living, breathing creature. It is also true that life and other relationships, whether with children, friends, or aging family members complicate things and sometimes even feel like they must take precedence over your partner. If you are feeling stagnated in your own life or relationship and are unsure how to move forward, there are resources to help guide you, as well as therapists trained to assist.
Want to discuss more? Connect with us today.
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