Although the holiday season can be a time of celebration, nostalgia, joy, and magic, for many the holidays can bring up feelings of burnout, loneliness, grief, and stress. Maybe some days you feel the magic and others the loneliness; maybe for you, it’s more of a mixed bag: as I often say, two things can be true at the same time. This year, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and your feelings, know that you are not alone, and practice setting boundaries.
First, let us uncomplicate boundaries. Oftentimes when I talk with clients they are worried that setting boundaries are the same as issuing ultimatums. I challenge that by reassuring them that boundaries, unlike ultimatums, are often not an either/or, do not come from a desire to control, and allow for possibility and growth. A boundary helps to set guidelines on how you would like to be treated by allowing others to understand how to love and respect you. This in turn can significantly improve relationships by creating safety, reducing anxiety, and preventing emotional burdens and resentments. A boundary is a form of self-care, and when set and respected, it is often far more fulfilling in the long term than a bubble bath (which is lovely as well!)
Whether you are a pro or a novice at setting boundaries in your life, the holiday season has been known to cause regressions on our healing journeys. Read on for some tips on reducing stress and burnout by setting boundaries this holiday season, and of course, contact a therapist if you need further assistance in this or any other area of your life.
- Check-in with yourself. Identifying your triggers, current and anticipated, beforehand can provide clarity in understanding your needs and how they can be met. This step may come with digging deeper, and it is not easy work. You can recruit close friends, loved ones, or even your therapist to help you with this check-in. Some questions to ask yourself may be:
- Which parts of the season bring you peace and joy?
- Are there individuals or events that do not align with your values and increase your stress at just the thought of them?
- Is there a financial or time budget and allotment that would feel good to stick to?
- What emotions do you notice & how have you been releasing them versus what can be more helpful?
- Set your limits & communicate. Once you check in with yourself, use that information. We may have radically different political, religious, and lifestyle beliefs than those we share our holidays with. Understand what is off-limits for you whether it be a specific event, gift-giving, discussing your work, love life, or weight. By setting clear expectations for yourself and others, you may find you are able to be more present and engaged without the anxieties of the unknown and unspoken. Communicating our limits can often be the most difficult part of setting boundaries. Stating our wants and needs is often extremely challenging for those who try to keep the peace. The key to respectful communication is being calm, simple, and direct. This can be achieved through “I” statements, followed by your boundary:
- I feel (insert emotion) when (behavior or event) because (impact of behavior of event). I need (propose a solution/set the boundary).
- Example: I feel frustrated when I see my children pressured to hug people that they don’t feel comfortable with or see often. I would like you to respect their autonomy by following their lead or asking for their consent first.
- Prepare for resistance. If you find that you receive pushback or pressure to explain yourself, please take the time to remember your needs and why these are important to you. Practice taking deep breaths or saying helpful affirmations. Also please know, there are times when it is perfectly acceptable to simply say “no” without the pressure to explain yourself further. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to force yourself to engage in unhealthy interactions or overextend yourself physically, emotionally, or financially.
- Create the experiences you want with those you want. While this time of year can be exhausting in so many ways, try to focus on the parts of the season that get you excited. Go back to that check-in you did so much earlier and focus on the parts that bring you peace and joy. If there are aspects of the holiday season you look forward to, ensure that you build your time around those. Find your support system, even if it means breaking a tradition. Boundaries are important, but so is finding and experiencing joy with those that you feel truly comfortable with.
- Be proud of yourself. None of this is easy work. Speaking up requires emotional regulation, honesty, insight, and vulnerability. Even if it comes out clunky, you stepped outside your comfort zone and you grew a little more into yourself and your authenticity and that is worth celebrating this season!